End and start

Tomorrow will be the end of something, and something new will start too. Things will going to. Change and let's hold on tight when the roller coaster starts moving!

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Death

Just attended one of my church member's wake service today and it really reminded me a lot of stuff.

Perhaps she passed away in such an early age but really, even though I'm not very close to her, I could really sees that she live her life and without regret. I was told her that she will be the one in church that I will want to know more about and wanted to get close with her. However, just now when I'm looking at her photo, there are regrets... Regrets that caused by the very enemy I've been struggling, courage. I guess one thing that she reminds me in her life is that she has the courage to do what she wants and live her life with courage!

The only thing I could do for her is to be a good teacher, headmaster of my Sunday school. The one that she left, the one that she lead for years before I join. With the grace of lord, He'll lead me.

Grace, rest in peace. I'll definitely see you again, till then, I'll remember you. May the grace of our lord be the counselor of people around you.

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Attempt

Good attempt boon han~ continue struggling and I'm sure one day you'll be successful~!

Usshaa! Prepare for next attempt!

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children's learning

"Children need to learn that they cannot run away from the responsibility of seeing things through, that commitment to a relationship means staying and working things out." Garry Landreth

I believe this is something adults, or rather, I need to learn as well. Too many times I've run away from the situation and not making things work out due to the stress and pressure, the belief that I couldn't do it.

It's time to learn!

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man

I'm still long to go to be a man, so much to learn and so much to be taken away to become one.

But there is something I know, and something I have faith that one day, I'll have what a 'man' should have, courage! Just wait and see... Gorgan, you wait... I'll show you boon han! By my action

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fail...

Hey, look... The reason why you are feeling like this is because you don't have the courage to even try to defend what YOU want! You just back off into your safe zone just like that! Not getting what you want? All thanks to your stupidity! Grats ya! Even if taking action and not getting what you want, that's ok because at least you bother to even try! But did you? Hell no! Darn it!

And who give you the skill to analyse what people really mean just by WORDS? Seriously, why don't you use your 'confidence' at some where where it is really useful!? Fail la you, FAIL!

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Mine

If it's mine, then I want it to be only mine! I might have high tolerance for any other thing, but when it comes to what I perceive is mine, you don't want to mess with it! Don't like anyone touching my stuff without my consent!!!

dissonance

Cognitive dissonance oh cognitive dissonance~

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A job well done!

Good job Gorgan! You have really done it again!! *thumbs up*

=3=

喜欢

“我就不知道为什么，看你笑，看你哭， 就这样看着也很开心。答应我一件事，在我面前你想怎么样就怎么样，你的情绪，你的感情，毫不掩钸~”

coffee prince

decision

Suddenly have this thought when I was in toilet. A lot of time we always worry about what we do will bring harm to others, garry landerth quote came to me "what really important is not what wrong decision you made, but its what you do after you made that decision"

its indeed an inspiring moment in toilet XD That is why let's not worry too much when making decision, always learn by these decision, whether good or bad, because we are human being, we learn till death...

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Lord

Oh Lord, your mercy and grace is always so great.

Lord, I understand that Your way is always higher than ours, Your will is always greater than us, for those which we could not understand why it happens, Lord, we know we did what we could and You are the ultimate being, so Lord, even though we don't understand what happen behind every situation, guide us and show it to us, in Your time.

Lord, comfort and guide them in Your Presence. Lord, You is my(our) shepherd, I shall not want (...) even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me (...). (Psalm 23)

Amen.

I hope

I hope I have more courage

I hope that this barrier isn't there

I hope I'll able to reach out

I hope my inner voice reached out and vice versa

Nonetheless, I will and am enjoying myself, with no regrets.

Nonetheless, I believe my hope will turn to reality

All start from little steps I take, from time to time.

Just for you, Darling

---------------------------------------------------

I really love play therapy!! XD can I request for adult play therapy instead of counseling??? I'm not good at verbalizing myself~ Pwease~~~ =P

Oh..

"Oh mother, I love you" Dibs

Its "aaaawwww" when I read this~ Ohh Dibs~~~ ^^

Play

"ultraman is coming!!"

I wanted to have my own play time, I wanted to have my own play room! I wanted to have someone like the therapist who try to understand and doesn't make any judgement while I'm being myself.

Play session really is a place and time that I think even adult needs.. at least I know I would want to have once a week opportunity to have a play session. Play session to adult, to me works similarly to children. At least to me, its a safe environment to be freely who we want to me, how we want to be, express what we really feel, and most importantly, it stays in the room... A place for us to direct our inner energy out and recharge, rebuild ourselves before going out and face the world.

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爱情

爱，是一个很奇怪和厉害的东西。它可以让我们很幸福，让我们克服问题，但是如果我们不好好珍惜它，它可以让我们受伤。。。未来如果我有了它，我会进我的全力好好珍惜那段感情，不轻易的放弃。

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Future

The future, as a psychology student I have learn that if we are unsure of the future, we will be afraid of it, creating worries, and anxious feeling in us. This is of course human's nature.

I, too will be worry and anxious on what will happen in the future, creating a lot of possible outcome of a certain decision I made so that I cab expect the worst, also the best. however, over the years I have learn that future is not something we can control, yes we can plan, but life isn't something we can have full control, especially the future. I will do my best in what I can do at the moment, leaving the future to God to do all the other worries on whether it will be successful or not. Why waste so much time on something you can't even control and making ourselves anxious and not able to do anything else? No, I do still worry at times, but I am able to reduce the worry so that I can put my 100% effort in what I can do now~

This is my philosophy~ I guess what important is what I can do now. whether it is successful or not, God knows~ of course, we need to have balance in everything XD

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blinded

Blinded by low self esteem, lack of confidence is as scary as blinded by destructive emotion like sadness and anger... And it takes a lot of effort to break through these.

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clear

After a few time being asked what would I want to do after I graduate, I finally have a very clear path!

My first interest is to do more research in emotion and facial expression of human being. well, yea, mainly thanks to lie to me, it got me doing more reading regarding this field and its what I really interested since year one.

Secondly, being able to do counseling, this is one of the main reason I chose psychology in the first place after all... the interest is still there!

Lastly, getting into child related field! might even continue introducing play therapy in Malaysia~

Now that all is clear, its time to make serious consideration!

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jealous?

He seriously dislike me and favor my other siblings, what a good parent he is.

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stay away

Look dude, I know I still talk, listen and smile at you but that doesn't mean that I like you, so please don't do anything to make me dislike you more... I am genuinely wanted to treat you nicely so don't ruin it... seriously... If its not because of her, I don't think I need to even talk to you. so, stay far away from me! we are not even close!

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hu?

So much for liking to be alone huh~

i seriously starting to really hate myself...

...

Oh well...

lonely

hmmm... The sudden feel of loneliness... So contradicting, lol... seriously, I wonder the whole gmu is coming back or what, =3=

I'm kinda getting more and more active in Facebook and some part if me asked me to actually stop as I might really accidentally post some personal on my wall, which is not something I am comfortable with but at the same time someone can actually know about it. weird huh? and pathetic...

oh well, another post that will make the future me laugh~ lol

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what..?!?!

Gorgan! What exactly was that???

Gorgan: "Urg... I dunno... "

*lets just let my defense mechanism do what it need to do for once ba...*

"its a happy day"

Waking up early in the morning, enjoy the weather, had a cup of coffee is refreshing for my soul which been very busy, tired and dried due to the busy-ness of life~

Singing song praises God definitely refreshed my spirit~ Never thought I am able to play guitar and sung song~ Thank you Lord~

Who says church songs are too old to "feel" His presence? It just the matter of what heart we use to worship Him~ Amen? Amen for me~

Have a happy day, my loves~ and friends~ xD

"Its a happy day~~"

-----------------------------------------------

i bet its all the effect of caffeine! but i only drank one cup... =3=

Ah ha~

Finally realized something I have been asking myself for a long time: Why I can't always seems to say the right words while trying to comfort others.

Reason, because I don't need words from others as well, what I want is just a hug, a nod, or even silence, as long as I know you are listening...

attachment

"i don't like you anymore..."

it hurts more than I expected... sigh.... attachment....

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experience, maturity, work

Growing up... I always thought and feel that I should treat everyone as if they are more important than me, well, it is not always wrong la, but it kinda made me even more lacking of confidence, esteem and self worth, which feel sucks...

This few months experience, especially today made me realised that, hey, it is not always that case, yes, they might be important but doesn't mean you ain't human and you don't deserve to be respected as well! In fact, I have my right to be respected too! I can always demand for things that I need!

hmmm.... Today is an eye opener day.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Actually, its not that I don't want work, its that I am afraid to face the stress working gives me. photography is my passion, I love to be photographer, but event photographer gave a lot of stress! especially you know you are given expectation to be met! don't get me wrong, its not that I regret and don't enjoy it, just that it reminded me that I really hate stress and I am lazy! XD it also reminded me that, hey gorgan, it is time to be mature, no more being childish... its time to grow up dude... like now...

good experience and reminder for me~ thank Lord

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superego and ego~

Hey gorgan! Here is the deal, if you could start discussion by weekends, then you are allow to go Syiok and finish the rest of it there~ ok?

Gorgan: hmm.... sounds great to me~ xD

Help

I want to help

I really want to help

I really wish that I could help

I...

How can I help when it isn't my problem to begin with....

*Sigh*

precious and valuable

"Precious and valuable, always there for me... But of course, that can't go on forever." Yui (K-On season 2)

I always know, those who are precious and valuable to me right now, will eventually leave me someday in the future. However, I knew, I understand that, and it doesn't stop me to love you guys even more as, you are the few I chose to let you in into my personal space, to the most vulnerable space in my heart.

I love you!

testing

hmm.. just came back from church and wanna try out this new apps for Blogger, dunno is it usable or not... well, I promise will upload something on my photo blog later after I bath~ hehe

until then, see you!

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Shots...

Now I missed how I really only listen and give no comment...

=3=

feeling

Sigh, I wonder what is going on... Feeling, unconscious, subconscious, what are you doing in me, you are destroying my conscious... C'mon!

Take control la... =3=

---------------------------------------------------------------

I'm taking drum lesson for real now~

*smile*

I got jealous and things I am afraid that will happen is already happening... Guess you won't be seeing this blog huh... *smile* oh well...

Fear

The fear of bonding with others... eh?

I have it too...

skin-shippo~

This might sounds very very VERY weird but... I wanna get skinshippo~~~~ =P *blush* how I wish I am a girl... Sounds more appropriate among girls... Wonder if I ever get a really close guy friend... Ylong! xD XD Faster come back la weeeh~

(Okay, crazy post!!! xD and no! imma not hentaaai desuu~~)

Last

Somehow, when I look around, I have this feeling as if it is the last time I am actually able to look at this place...

No good...

You'll never understand

Yes, you will never understand what and why I chose to live my life now. Look, life is much more than just living, just surviving.

You might be right, I do not need these to survive, but I need this to live my life to the best as I could. You have your way of life and of course, I have mine too. I appreciate your comment about my life and I've really taken into account what you commented, however, I do not think it is applicable in my life, thank you! ^^

If you just want to survive, I want to live a life where I can really enjoy and at the same time survive~ Difficult, but not impossible~~

Just some random post, =P Gosh, I really wish I have the time to start drawing comic again~~ Miss that... really...

Grow up

If I were to rate which movie with series (Harry Potter 1, Harry Potter 2, HP 3...) are well related, I will vote for Toy Story!

Why?? I think it's a great "series" movie is that it literally grew up with me! The first Toy Story movie was made in 1995, and I was in standard 1 if I am not mistaken. First impression, I love Toy Story because I love it! xD typical children mindset that time. The values, friends etc etc. Then comes Toy Story 2! Which came out when I was in secondary school coincidentally Andy was in his high school years as well~ Then, this year, Toy Story 3! When Andy has kinda grown up and move on to college! The whole concept of "I have grown up and it is time for me to move on but you've got a friend in me" has touched me deeply~

In a way, they are all related, to me~ Not the storyline, but to related to their audience, it is as if Disney/Pixar and producing Toy Story for people within 18-25 age range~ XD *perasan-ing*

I personally think that Toy Story 3 will make a great impact to those who watched all the three movies and somehow somewhere within my age range.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It also reminds me that, hey Boon Han, look, you are almost finishing your degree, it is really time to move on and go into a complete independent world out there, maybe if lucky, you will still be close with your friends right now, but most probably you won't... you know... but, *plays 'You've got a friend in me' in the background* life moves on~ ^^

And! Disney/Pixar, you have successfully put a fullstop in my heart, so, please DON'T make Toy Story 4!!! =3=

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I sounds like a crazy fan boy~ XD anyway, all of us needs to move on in our life no matter what, so, Boon Han, move on... ^^ *white lights shining~~* ooh! I see the light! *walks towards the light* (Ghost Whisperer, nd)

emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you're miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
Just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got troubles, well I've got 'em too
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you
We stick together and we see it through
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me

Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them will ever love you the way I do
It's me and you
And as the years go by
Boys, our friendship will never die
You're gonna see
It's our destiny
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me lyrics~ xD

die...

after 4 years of driving.... i've finally knocked into a 4 wheel drive n caused my honda's metal below the backlight kemek!!! die... waited for sometime for the owner to appear but he/she didn't show up.... T_T i'm still scared...... itz not very serious but its noticable! T_T why ppl buy a black car n illegal parking at night la!!! i know itz my fault.... let me switch to external locus of control awhile plz......... >< guity.....

Ouran Host Club

Ouran Host Club anime is heart warming~~~ daisuki~~


---------------------------------------

Urg... crap... can't balance back the feeling... =3=

Vacation

Psycho Squad gang!

I wanna go to a vacation with you guys and really have fun!

T_T

jealousy...

Even friend can get jealous when another friend get too close towards others, its perfectly normal, just do not let it control you.

But...

Aint this only happen among girls? Okay, I am stereotyping but, any guys out there get jealous? Not about girlfriend, but your friend...

Hmm....

children camp

Being a teacher in full day camp is definitely tiring!!! But, it felt good and satisfied with it! ^^ Happy~~

Hope they did learn something today other than laughing at my jokes and action and... "Do what you want coz a pirate is free, YOU ARE A PIRATE!" XD XD XD XD

Night!

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My dad and bro are shouting GOAL!! =3= guess I am the only male who find football a boring sports... ==""

Dudes!

To, all my friends whom I played RO with in form 3,

Hey dudes! How are you guys doing lately??? It been like 5 years since our graduation and we didn't really keep in touch after that. Kinda sad you know? Well, I would say I missed you guys and the time we had~ Sounds gay you might say, but hack~ Accept it! XD

Vandam: Dude!! where are you la! seldom see you online ler~ Gosh, you was a great friend back then, very protective indeed~ Wonder are you the same or you leveled up! =P Stay healthy yea~

Ylong: duuuude~ how's USA? aiya, we got keep in touch, nvm la~ bai! XD XD XD

Darren: ooi~! how's stress lately? XD Wonder how are you doing there, we stay so near but I don't think we ever make a time out to yam cha~ =P

LTai: hey... I wonder what really happen back then, that you suddenly "leave" us... Well, hope you are doing fine there...

Anyhow, doubted you guys will read this, except you la ylong... So, until we meet again, stay healthy~ =P

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Xiao d la me~ XD XD XD

screw!!!

Screw you gorgan! Screw you BH!! stand up already... Harlooo! those are memories! Meeemooooriiieeeessss!!!! It doesn't exist anymore!!! i want a hug... T_T

portrait workshop

I would say its an great portrait workshop experience! The only regret I has is that I wasn't really "connected" to the whole thing~ Hopefully the next workshop will be a break through! Thanks aaron and lyn the model and others who put effort in making this successful~ ^^ wakakakak~

Pseudo- autism

It's time to get interested of the world outside your world dude! C'mon! FOCUS!

*stare at TV*

Ohh... so this is how it should be... Just take action if we think our action is right and not violating other's personal space...

*write notes write notes*

Assertiveness

"So, Gorgan, tell me everything about assertiveness, how it is different from acting aggressively?"

Ask me the question above and I can really give you an accurate right answer about what being assertive is.

Ask me to practice assertive behavior? *sigh* no luck. It is not that I do not know what goods can it bring, just that I am too focus on what bads can bring! I've really seen enough, losing 1 or 2 of people who are very close to me is enough for me to generalized all "assertive" behavior are to be avoided at all cost...

I jolly well know that its more than that. I understand what is wrong behind these thinking. I.. am just afraid...

What can I do...? Nothing...? Learn helplessness...? Perhaps... Walk away...? I'll try... Well, yea, unless I am ready to move out of my comfort zone, my safe zone, I will keep on complain and rant about these issues... So, when am I ready? God knows...

excuse

The reason why I can't buy a new phone right now: I do not appreciate what I have... Until I started to appreciate, I cannot buy a new phone! Unless I want a Nokia 3100 la~ XD

cross!

Guess who's this cute little girl?? Might be red riding hood~ Who knows~ =P

I guess it isn't a disaster that I think it is~ It actually turned out pretty good and I did enjoy myself there!

Thanks to Joreen and the other peeps who put all their effort in organizing this crazy, wacky and "fun" party for both May and I~ I bet this will be one of the last thing that I will forget easily in my life.

Had a great time after the whole party too~

Fun aside, I think I've really came to my limit, I seriously need social retreat! Been on "high mode" since last night till evening today. I actually having quite a mixed feeling, relief that I finally have time being alone, and at the same time, I missed all those peeps who make a very big changes in my life!

Anyhoo, thanks everyone, thanks those closer ones and *HUGS* I love you! *wink* (try and imagine the last night me doing these~~ *wink wink*) XD XD XD

Good night!

ID

HOI ID! go back into your room!!! You are messing with Ego for quite sometime already, now that is enough! Go back in!!! No more!! Not until you are capable of putting food on the table by yourself!!!

5 years ago

Every time when I am looking at your photos, I always wonder, what happen if that incident 5 years ago didn't happen...

What if we are still as close as 5 years ago?

What if we are still sharing stories on our lives like 5 years ago?

I missed talking to you... XWei..

Oh well... such as life...

re-consider

After reading threads in lowyat forum, I am re-considering my urge to buy an iphone!!

Yay to my wallet~~ XD

money

Oh dear...

This was the first time in my life, wishing so hard that I have extra money to spend on things I want and unnecessary items....

Boon Han... learn to be satisfied!!

loooong way

BH: hey, gorgan! look at me! LOOK!

Gorgan: What...?!?

BH: loooooooooooong waaaaaaaaaaay~~~

Gorgan: =__="" oh shut up!!

Long way

Its a looong way to go Gorgan, long waay~

Birthday - food

A couple of ex-foundation classmate friends came over and sorta celebrated my birthday~

Been eating since morning till night! Beat that! hahaha!

Anyway, it is good to chat and laugh with you guys again~ *hugs* thanks!

with love.

Birthday - kimchiHaru

A chit chatting moment with 2 ex-schoolmates are rather wonderful~

Sharing life story, sharing rant, its great!

Too bad I need to be more open in chatting like these~ I love it, but I have problem opening up.

Thanks for this wonderful moment in my life, should do it more often!

Birthday - car

The most dunno-what-to-responds-birthday-ever moment!!!

LMAO!

Many thanks for this moment in my life~ XD Love it~ though my brain was seriously blank that moment~~ =P

work

I need to work! It isn't a want anymore, it became a need!

human

As much as I love human, I am afraid of "us"...

How sad it is...

feelings/impluses

Weeks ago, someone told me that I often reacted, responded and made decisions mainly based on my feelings and also my impulses.

I do agree on that statement, but I didn't know it could be this harmful. I've made a seriously harmful decision without using my brain, which its main function is to make rational decision (guess my frontal cortex still haven't fully developed huh~) !

I've created harm, I'm sorry, nothing I do can erase that hurt away just prays that time will heal it, somehow, and I am fully responsible for it... It is a consequences I will have to face anyway. My bad...
Sry... I really know it's hurtful, I really do...
But I promise, from this mistakes, I will have better control over my feelings and impulses!

blocked

You block my way? Closed my door?

Fine...

I'll find another one~ no harm~ no sweat~ There will not be one only way to my destination anyway~ (religion aside~)

misunderstanding

It is interesting to see how two close friends, are having not so good feeling towards each others just because of clashing of belief and personality~

We place "who is at fault" judgment too quickly and too easily without the effort of thinking on the other side of the shoe, while at the same time we ask people to think of ours. Even when we try to look from the other side of the shoe, we tend to look from our perspective! Guess, this is human after all, this is the limit we could reach.

There will never be the "fault" side when it comes to argument that involve two different personalities, view of the worlds, and beliefs because it is always right for both parties, or more than two if involve more than two (duh)~ Mainly because there are nothing to argue about! Unless we want to consciously persuade others that our idea/belief/personality is better, then by all means, go ahead and create a world war 3~

Leave the other human alone if you do not like his/her style/belief/personality

or

Accept who he/she really is, and live with it~

or

Tell he/she about what different between our style/belief/personality and respect each others difference and live with it~

or

Go and change that poor human and shape it into you! (bwahahaha)

or

Others ____

XD Human Human Human~ what interesting being we are~ (that's why I love psychology~ *wink*)

ps: to you-know-who, I do understand your point of view on that matter~ no worries, it just contradicted with my belief, that's all~ ^^

harlo....?

Is my voice really REALLY that soft...?

When I speak and no people reply is it really REALLY because I can't be heard??

Really...?

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Guessed so....

(I thought I am pretty loud d... *sigh*)

a note to BH

Dearest BH,

hey, it's time to move on, okay? U've been holding to the past for waaaay too long, it is time for you to put it down and move forward from your safety net. *pat* At least you have me accompanying you if you fail again, ^^ stay strong for you still have me.

Gorgan

friends

someone asked me this question:

"why didn't you introduce your other friends to us geh?"

Hmm... yeahor... why...?

language

Another sad discovery...

I am super bad at language, words, grammar, expressing my thought and feeling!

WOOT

Relate

I've noticed something today while studying...

I've never really relate myself to anyone.

I enjoy the accompaniment of others, I enjoy accompanying others, I care for them and stuff, but I never really open myself to them...

Mainly because I did it to myself too...

What a sad discovery I've made today! woot

The Blaming game

Blame, by itself is already something that will cause a bad ending to anyone. When someone blame another, it often include element of judging the person and often, it only make things worse. I experienced first hand, how the power of blaming can destroy someone's life, hmm, maybe not that serious, but how it can really affect the effectiveness of someone and how it battered others esteem.

I guess people are more likely to blame, instead of helping the situation. I guess it is easier for us to unleash out all our judgmental side and start the blaming game because it is somehow, fun when doing so. It definitely require a lot lesser effort compare to trying to empathize another and trying the best to fix the situation.

However, self-blame is as terrible as blaming as well, in fact, to a certain extent, it is more destructive compare to blaming others. When we know what we did are wrong, or should I say, when we perceived that what we did are wrong, most of us tend to blame ourselves, well, at the very least, I know I do; and when we blame ourselves, it often let the self-defeating thoughts get the best of us. We start to focus on the emotions which the blaming bring us and stop taking responsibility on what we do. Thus, whatever action we did after that will often be craps, worsen the situation and of course, our self esteem will definitely dropped to the lowest and there will be a high probability that we will drag people around us down with us. And we start blaming ourselves again! Tadaa~ the cycle goes on without stopping~

*sigh*

Of course, all these are easier said than done, especially asking people not to blame. Even people who claim that they dun blame, occasionally they do, without knowing it. Of course, at least I know I did it~ Lets take responsibility and not blame, whoever, including ourselves regardless of how difficult it is to do so! At least we try not to~ =P

Of course, for those who thinks it is perfectly okay to blame, go and ahead and blame, its always our freedom to choose what we want to believe and do, because with that kinda freedom, we are always in the position to accept all the consequences of our action, be it good or bad~

Interesting

Its always been fun to watch how people respond and what they do when they are chatting, it is more fun and interesting now ever since I have a new hobby~ XD

Maybe this will be my "minor" field of the career I will be taking in the future besides counseling! Muahahhaa~

Life is getting interesting, the bad and the good way~ *wink*

worth

Gorgan: No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person

Boon Han: Yea right... admit it, you are still a baby who needs approval from others...

Gorgan: =3=

Boon Han: See... proven!

Confidence

I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident...

Its not working... LOL

white side

Oh no... my mind is asking me to change side...

From dark side to the white side!!!!

T_T darn!

walls

Am i having another puberty? XD seriously?!

I used to put walls around me, emotionally, and mentally, it went, quite well, maybe I got emo and did affect people around me, but never intentionally hurt them.

Lately, I could see that those walls around my emotion realm is not as strong, and the confidence is finally something I can relate with, but, there are side effects. More and more feelings are coming out, including anger. Getting more and more impatient with things happening around me. Seriously, I really hate myself doing this.

Then stop doing what I am doing! Yea right... well, needs better anger and other emotion management, and seriously I gotta do something about my sense of remorse! XD

Weee~ another laladididudu post~ XD

shout

You shouted at me...

I hate ppl who shout at me...

Especially shouting over matters which I dun intentionally do it, or something I can't even control...

^^

family

Family... The idea of family is interesting.

You hate and love them at the same time.

You want to let them know and plan to hide everything bout you from them at the same time

You want to be in and want to be out of the family at the same time

You enjoy and not enjoy the time you spend with them at the same time

You know and not know them at the same time

Family...

A human group dynamic that have 2 ends, where both positive and negative exist!

recovering

Recovering... I guess. ^^

Expressiveness

I realized something,

To those who are not able to listen nor talk, they are very expressive!

Contradiction

I wanted to be a person who speaks a lot and a friend who aren't boring
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I wanted to be a quiet person, and only communicating within myself

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What do I want...?

Realization

I've been neglecting some people in my life lately and it is time, again to amend some relationship with some other friends of mine.

"Everyone deserve to be heard"

drained

I am...

Drained again...

Cameron Highland Family Camp 2010

Gosh! I started missing the moments at family camp already!

Went to Cameron Highland with the church members and I didn't expect to have such a wonderful time with them!

Well, this is the third time I actually join my church's family camp and the previous two was okay, it was fun, but it didn't pour any sourish sauce on my heart when we depart, but this time it did! It wasn't the activities actually, in case you guys are guessing that~ It was the bond we were building with each others during those days! From kid, to teenagers, to young adult, to older senior, it was something we don't see daily, the caring and conversation we are able to make despite the difference we have~

I did felt that I did creates a closer bond with those teens and my peers. Frankly, I often didn't really felt it as strong as this time. Well, I never blog anything about this, did i? XD Maybe I did, but it was the feeling towards my students in camp but with peers? This is really the first time. This time, although I aint as open as those brats, I can say it was a break through of my personality to get crazy with them, especially with the family member chart we came out of!! *wink*

Feeling irrational now~ Wanna hug each and everyone of them~ =P okay, maybe not everyone, but those "immediate family" I had~! *laugh* right, my sisters and dad and mom and my aunties and uncles? XD

Sheeesh, what go up, have to come back down. Its kinda sad to say reality always hit harder! Well, being up there with them is like putting aside all the burden I bear in my life, including my struggle with my own personality, and my MID TERM. Yea, once I sent everyone home, suddenly the feeling strike, the feeling of sourish, missing, and doesn't feel like going back to my life just yet.

No matter how I do not like it, I am already in my reality, so, oh well~ such as life~ huh~

Insight

I keep telling myself that I need to be more courageous, I need to change my current esteem to be a better human. How do I perceive courage? I always perceive when a person have the courage to do a certain behavior, it is always without fear.

Well, I am wrong. While studying for exam just now, I read that courage is the willingness to act, despite the feeling of fear! Courage and fear works hand in hand, if there are no fear, there is no need for courage! (Alderian theory).

It certainly not easy to be courageous, but I can always try achieving it, no? XD Reminder to myself, and maybe some people out there, when you are fearful of acting, remember that it is the best opportunity to be courageous! It takes time, effort to be aware, and effort to be willingly to kick the fearful arese!

tried

I've tried...

but I just can't.

Not that I do not want,

it's just that I can't do it....

Chinese New Year

Chinese new year. It was once a festival which I would anticipate for its coming when I was still in primary or secondary school. Getting ang pao during CNY was never the main motivation for my anticipation by the way~ =P

I remembered when I was young, without fail, my dad will surely bring us back to Penang, to my grandmother house to celebrate CNY. It was an old wooden house but it's big enough for 10 families to gathered. The memories of playing with my cousins, chatting with them, teasing others or being teased by relatives was surprisingly fun~ Due to the fact that my parents always force us to sleep at 10pm every night, only during CNY we (my sis and I) were allow to sleep at late night~! Perhaps this is one of the reason why I love CNY last time. Never forget that my cousins and my sis and I used to watch CNY movie from 9pm till 3am! Well, again, I would say the togetherness with them is what I cherish the most. Ohya! SHANDY! Its my childhood beer!!! CNY without that is depressing! XD

However...

It was the past. As time goes, I found that I aint close with my relatives anymore. CNY was no longer a festival I anticipate and the feeling of CNY was never that strong now. I wonder what goes wrong. Is it because I stayed in KL, which is super far away from them that build the gap between us? Is it because those significant events that made me literally depressive and not able to "play" with them any more? I wonder. I wonder if we were staying near to my relatives in Penang, will the situation change?

Well, let's pray for a improve future and I wish everyone a happy CNY! Though its noisy, annoying, boring and full with relatives, I guess this is the only time we can see everyone, every relatives gathered and laugh together. It's not all bad after all~ Since we do not have the ability to change the fact that CNY is like this, at least we can change our mindset, to enjoy observing evey single chat, every single behavior, like watching a movie, be it good or bad~!

To my Family(f), I love you guys!

following

why do I have to worry sooo much "following" what others are doing? weird....
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once again, it's embarrassing... LOL

human being... me?

People tend to make judgement, quick judgement base on their schema/biasness/prejudice on the situation and of other people. I would say this is what make us... human. 

Can anyone really take away these element from ourselves? I doubt. If all these are these are inevitable, why am I trying so hard to get rid these things from me? Why can't I just join the flow and make my life easier?! I wonder... 

All I want, is to make sure no one will get unfair treatment, judgement by me. Often, what I got is the opposite. I can totally understand how is it feels, to be judged without know the truth. Just because of the behavior, the words being used, doesn't mean that it reflect what we really feels and thinks inside. 

Again, all these are really easier said than done and who can actually achieve this? Not me, not even close to achieving... 

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Why do I afraid so much to hurt others. To an extent that I am conscious with my every behavior, words, sentences  and thought. Though sometimes these are faster than my conscious can actually filter them, and then I feel super guilty after that, but WHY? Why my mind is structured so that it is this way? Why things in the past have to happen like what it did which shaped me who I am today? 

The answer is very simple, this is life. This is life, seriously there is no answer to those answer. No matter how hard I rationalize all the why(s), I will still not be able to get the answer that satisfies my heart. 

Am I attention seeking? Is it really that because I know how it is feel like and I do not wish others get it from me? Am I really that kind? 

Can I start not to be so afraid of hurting people? How I wish I can...  

Low self worth, low self esteem... 

Someone told me this, that she/he do not hope to see me saying that I will change but years after years its the same old me. Now I am doubting, can I really change my self worth and esteem? I did try? I did pulled myself hard enough till the extent I had my emotional broke down? 

Jas... how I wish that I could take about this with you... How I wish I could break the walls and let you in... but... are you willing to come in? and have a look at it? Am I worth it? I want to believe its a yes, but my negativity tells me the other way round... talks about depression/paranoia 

Can it work...? 

in the rain

Did something unexpectedly today~! 

I washed my car under the rain!! 

Well, normally I would avoid the rain no matter what because I seriously do not like getting wet, getting wet in my clothe definitely not my cup of milk. However, after today experience, I do think if I have the chance, I will really definitely "bath" under the rain again! 

The feeling is somewhat... nice. 

tired

living is getting more and more tired now...

please, i really pray that You could come and bring me Home ASAP...

胜利

胜利啊~

虽然我没你这样的好胜，但我完全明白你的感受~ XD

self disclosure

*dies*

I am backing to square zero...

self disclosure is a wonderful tool to minimize the gap between individuals, however, by self disclosing your issue, thoughts, feelings and emotions, it kind of put you at risk of being "naked" in front of the individual you self disclose to.

no doubt, it's pretty normal if we want to self disclose to someone whom we trust and are comfortable with, however, something made my defense mechanism rises again...

my issues, thoughts, feeling and emotions are mine, and it's got nothing to do with outsider, even though they are very close friends of mine. It is as if I am wasting their time and effort listening to me, while they can use those time to do something else. It is as if I am desperate for attention that I disclose...

safe...?

I don't know anymore, totally in denial stage...

wah... my esteem... my self worth... my self concept... lol! thanks to both nature and nurture in my life~ XD

just ranting, releasing energy~ "ah-ha moment", is this some kind of catharsis too??? XD XD

"be still, my soul"

"Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side!
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide,
in every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly Friend,
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still. my soul, thy God doth undertake,
To guide the future as He has the past;
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake,
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, the hour is hastening on,
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul, when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last. " (Hymns of Praise, 1977)


the song which continuously repeat in my mind lately... may it bring peace and comfort to you as well, amen. ^^

personality...?

On Friday morning, I have actually re-discovered something, something that people around me used to tells me, something that I actually agree but as time goes by, I forgot.

I internalize feelings and emotions a lot! Feelings and emotions that were not mine, some are not even close to me! Besides internalizing, I often magnify the feelings and emotions as well. When I was driving listening to the cd I just burnt, I started to realized that I am actually feeling songs, thinking and feeling as if I am in the singers' shoe and as if I am the one who is experiencing it. Cheerful ones, sad ones, playful ones, anyone~!

Guess this is what people called, empathy huh? Its pretty useful to have this just that, I have too much of it... Seriously, it's not something good to be boast, you know? Yea, my Myers-Briggs personality is INFP. F as in Feeler, but to this extent? It is really not that good...

Counseling, helping profession, with my current situation, I think my intention to help will eventually turned into the biggest disaster I can cause to another person!

*sigh*

Another tough part to be "modified"...

and this give me another ah-ha moment,

there are a lot of things I would really wanna improvise/change but most of them are my personality, part of myself...

If personality is define as a set of values/principle/characteristic of an individual which persistence over time, then it basically means what I wanna improve/change is almost impossible or even if it is possible, it is supremely difficult!!!

*slap forehead*

Is study psychology all good stuff? XD XD XD How I wish I were as ignorant as before~

creator and creation

The Creator is so wonderful, loving, holy, clean and just

but the creation is so unworthy, full with hatred, filthy, impure, not even worth looking at...

how... ironic...

paranoid

I am seriously still afraid of replying/responding to people...

After all these years, the fear still here... haih... can I even survive...?

melody

though I have no special talent towards music, melody, good, nice smooth melody will never fail to touched me and bring me to the fantasy it created

missed

i still missed you...

its been 5 years now...

the first feeling when we met...

the first time when we went out together...

the first time you called me a brother...

the first time you smiled at me...

the first time you teased me...

the first time you are angry at me...

the first time you said something which... hurts me...

the first time when you leave my life...

still... i missed you... sorry for the mistakes i've done 5 years back... i... missed u.... xinwei...

S.U.C.K

I gotta admit it...

my flash photography sucks
my low-light/indoor/concert photography sucks
my confidence level sucks
my boldness level sucks

I seriously care too much of what other think of me... =3=

stereotypes

又来了，胡思乱想了。。。 paranoid...

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Stereotypes

why? why some people's action and what they preach are always different??? why are some human are so, ironic?

Do not judge a book by it's cover;

something most of us agree of, but is it something most of us practice?

when you are the only minority in any group, the pressure on you will be strong, it's what you held on to, will determine whether you survive the pressure or not.

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i shall see what will i get tomorrow~

strength

strong; is not those who do not trust people
strong; is not those who face problem by themselves
strong; is not those who refuse to feel hurt when they are
strong; is not those who will not cry when they are sad
strong; is not those who are alone

strong; is those who accept help from people they trust
strong; is those who think of themselves as weak
strong; is those who face emotional hurt when they are needed to
strong; is those who cries when they are sad
strong; is those who accept that they are not perfect
strong; is those who accept reality and move on, bearing the hurt with them and not being destroy by it
strong; is not to be felt nor to be see
strong; is something deeper that only pure heart can see
strong; is to be united with the people around us

strong; is those who have courage to face any kind of situation and emotional feeling

my philosophy of STRENGTH

IRIS

I know I really should be reading my journals and writing my thesis draft which due on 6th Jan... But I am hooked up with IRIS!!!! XD

Been hearing it from people around me that it's a great drama and I've actually watched the trailer in Astro before but never thought it is THIS great weh!! XD XD XD

The storyline will make you want to continue watching to find out what happen next and hey, it's action movie to begin with, my cup of milk~~

Besides the fact that it has nice storyline, Tae Hee was the main actress!!! XD XD XD Gosh, by looking at her eyes and her smile, awwwww... Seriously!!! Don't really like part of her behavior/personality in the drama though, but still, Tae Hee aaaa~ <3 <3<3<3

Nice drama to be watched if you ever have this chance~ Wakakakaaka, sorta made my day!
=P

late new year post

a new year post...

Hmm...

Am I too old for this? XD Seriously, I do not really have new year mood to write any of these post and frankly, I do not really intend to write any. But, just now, when I read back what I have wrote last year, on the last day of 2008, it kind of sparkler my thought.

"which have too much ups and downs for me" (Gorgan, 2008)

TOO much ups and downs huh?? Guess Gorgan can't predict the future huh~ If 2008 ups and downs are too much, I wonder how did I manage 2009! XD XD XD

But Gorgan did predict something right,
"I can see that next year is a BIG BIG BIG challenge for me! " (Gorgan, 2008)
=P

I asked for maturity, growth, responsibilities, serving in children fellowship, changed, and frankly, I did achieve most of them, or should I say, I did improve on those items I mentioned earlier. All those challenged/downs which I faced seriously made me tougher and through them, I am who I am now...

Being forced to grow is no fun at all. Besides, I guess most of us hate it... The feeling of negativity. However, one thing I learn from the year 2009, only by experiencing it, we can get over it! Though it might seems like a SUN to you when you are facing it, eventually, if you are daring enough to face it with wisdom, courage, it will turn into a small light bulb. (lame metaphor huh~? XD)

This year, is the year of mistakes, if I were to name it. Why so...? There are a lot of mistakes I've done, be it small or big, light or serious, these mistakes changed who I really am, into someone better/worse(?). Thank God that I am no longer the Gorgan, who put blame into himself and bear the blame for months! After going through this year, I have seriously learn how to move on and perceive mistakes as a lesson, a guide to be followed in the days in the future. It's something to be proud of weehh~

Confidence is what really lacking in me now. I can see the pattern, the pattern of how I am being equip with "armor" to deal with the world in the future, first, I need all those defensive armor, then, guides, now, I need offensive weapon. Confidence.

Sorry.

To those whom I have hurt during 2009, I apologize sincerely. Please forgive me, who are careless, imperfect, clumsy, at times selfish, childish, at times short temper, and any other mistakes I have done upon you! Especially to those who are close to me, very close to me....

The closer you are to bombing area, the more hurt you will get, that is why, SORRY!!!

Thank you.

To those who have forgiven me, I thank you! Please allow me to grow and improvise myself! Thank you for loving me even though I am not complete.
Thank you for loving me even though I hurt you.

(Writing is addictive huh?? XD)

Guess this is it~~

So, happy new year everyone!!! Wishes everyone have a meaningful new year!!!


PS: My photography skill does improve as well within a year too!!! Something to be proud of~~~ *wink*

price

Guess this is the price which I have to pay~