Cameron Highland Family Camp 2010

Gosh! I started missing the moments at family camp already!

Went to Cameron Highland with the church members and I didn't expect to have such a wonderful time with them!

Well, this is the third time I actually join my church's family camp and the previous two was okay, it was fun, but it didn't pour any sourish sauce on my heart when we depart, but this time it did! It wasn't the activities actually, in case you guys are guessing that~ It was the bond we were building with each others during those days! From kid, to teenagers, to young adult, to older senior, it was something we don't see daily, the caring and conversation we are able to make despite the difference we have~

I did felt that I did creates a closer bond with those teens and my peers. Frankly, I often didn't really felt it as strong as this time. Well, I never blog anything about this, did i? XD Maybe I did, but it was the feeling towards my students in camp but with peers? This is really the first time. This time, although I aint as open as those brats, I can say it was a break through of my personality to get crazy with them, especially with the family member chart we came out of!! *wink*

Feeling irrational now~ Wanna hug each and everyone of them~ =P okay, maybe not everyone, but those "immediate family" I had~! *laugh* right, my sisters and dad and mom and my aunties and uncles? XD

Sheeesh, what go up, have to come back down. Its kinda sad to say reality always hit harder! Well, being up there with them is like putting aside all the burden I bear in my life, including my struggle with my own personality, and my MID TERM. Yea, once I sent everyone home, suddenly the feeling strike, the feeling of sourish, missing, and doesn't feel like going back to my life just yet.

No matter how I do not like it, I am already in my reality, so, oh well~ such as life~ huh~

Insight

I keep telling myself that I need to be more courageous, I need to change my current esteem to be a better human. How do I perceive courage? I always perceive when a person have the courage to do a certain behavior, it is always without fear.

Well, I am wrong. While studying for exam just now, I read that courage is the willingness to act, despite the feeling of fear! Courage and fear works hand in hand, if there are no fear, there is no need for courage! (Alderian theory).

It certainly not easy to be courageous, but I can always try achieving it, no? XD Reminder to myself, and maybe some people out there, when you are fearful of acting, remember that it is the best opportunity to be courageous! It takes time, effort to be aware, and effort to be willingly to kick the fearful arese!

tried

I've tried...

but I just can't.

Not that I do not want,

it's just that I can't do it....

Chinese New Year

Chinese new year. It was once a festival which I would anticipate for its coming when I was still in primary or secondary school. Getting ang pao during CNY was never the main motivation for my anticipation by the way~ =P

I remembered when I was young, without fail, my dad will surely bring us back to Penang, to my grandmother house to celebrate CNY. It was an old wooden house but it's big enough for 10 families to gathered. The memories of playing with my cousins, chatting with them, teasing others or being teased by relatives was surprisingly fun~ Due to the fact that my parents always force us to sleep at 10pm every night, only during CNY we (my sis and I) were allow to sleep at late night~! Perhaps this is one of the reason why I love CNY last time. Never forget that my cousins and my sis and I used to watch CNY movie from 9pm till 3am! Well, again, I would say the togetherness with them is what I cherish the most. Ohya! SHANDY! Its my childhood beer!!! CNY without that is depressing! XD

However...

It was the past. As time goes, I found that I aint close with my relatives anymore. CNY was no longer a festival I anticipate and the feeling of CNY was never that strong now. I wonder what goes wrong. Is it because I stayed in KL, which is super far away from them that build the gap between us? Is it because those significant events that made me literally depressive and not able to "play" with them any more? I wonder. I wonder if we were staying near to my relatives in Penang, will the situation change?

Well, let's pray for a improve future and I wish everyone a happy CNY! Though its noisy, annoying, boring and full with relatives, I guess this is the only time we can see everyone, every relatives gathered and laugh together. It's not all bad after all~ Since we do not have the ability to change the fact that CNY is like this, at least we can change our mindset, to enjoy observing evey single chat, every single behavior, like watching a movie, be it good or bad~!

To my Family(f), I love you guys!

following

why do I have to worry sooo much "following" what others are doing? weird....
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once again, it's embarrassing... LOL

human being... me?

People tend to make judgement, quick judgement base on their schema/biasness/prejudice on the situation and of other people. I would say this is what make us... human. 

Can anyone really take away these element from ourselves? I doubt. If all these are these are inevitable, why am I trying so hard to get rid these things from me? Why can't I just join the flow and make my life easier?! I wonder... 

All I want, is to make sure no one will get unfair treatment, judgement by me. Often, what I got is the opposite. I can totally understand how is it feels, to be judged without know the truth. Just because of the behavior, the words being used, doesn't mean that it reflect what we really feels and thinks inside. 

Again, all these are really easier said than done and who can actually achieve this? Not me, not even close to achieving... 

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Why do I afraid so much to hurt others. To an extent that I am conscious with my every behavior, words, sentences  and thought. Though sometimes these are faster than my conscious can actually filter them, and then I feel super guilty after that, but WHY? Why my mind is structured so that it is this way? Why things in the past have to happen like what it did which shaped me who I am today? 

The answer is very simple, this is life. This is life, seriously there is no answer to those answer. No matter how hard I rationalize all the why(s), I will still not be able to get the answer that satisfies my heart. 

Am I attention seeking? Is it really that because I know how it is feel like and I do not wish others get it from me? Am I really that kind? 

Can I start not to be so afraid of hurting people? How I wish I can...  

Low self worth, low self esteem... 

Someone told me this, that she/he do not hope to see me saying that I will change but years after years its the same old me. Now I am doubting, can I really change my self worth and esteem? I did try? I did pulled myself hard enough till the extent I had my emotional broke down? 

Jas... how I wish that I could take about this with you... How I wish I could break the walls and let you in... but... are you willing to come in? and have a look at it? Am I worth it? I want to believe its a yes, but my negativity tells me the other way round... talks about depression/paranoia 

Can it work...? 

in the rain

Did something unexpectedly today~! 

I washed my car under the rain!! 

Well, normally I would avoid the rain no matter what because I seriously do not like getting wet, getting wet in my clothe definitely not my cup of milk. However, after today experience, I do think if I have the chance, I will really definitely "bath" under the rain again! 

The feeling is somewhat... nice. 

tired

living is getting more and more tired now...

please, i really pray that You could come and bring me Home ASAP...