胜利

胜利啊~

虽然我没你这样的好胜，但我完全明白你的感受~ XD

self disclosure

*dies*

I am backing to square zero...

self disclosure is a wonderful tool to minimize the gap between individuals, however, by self disclosing your issue, thoughts, feelings and emotions, it kind of put you at risk of being "naked" in front of the individual you self disclose to.

no doubt, it's pretty normal if we want to self disclose to someone whom we trust and are comfortable with, however, something made my defense mechanism rises again...

my issues, thoughts, feeling and emotions are mine, and it's got nothing to do with outsider, even though they are very close friends of mine. It is as if I am wasting their time and effort listening to me, while they can use those time to do something else. It is as if I am desperate for attention that I disclose...

safe...?

I don't know anymore, totally in denial stage...

wah... my esteem... my self worth... my self concept... lol! thanks to both nature and nurture in my life~ XD

just ranting, releasing energy~ "ah-ha moment", is this some kind of catharsis too??? XD XD

"be still, my soul"

"Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side!
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide,
in every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly Friend,
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still. my soul, thy God doth undertake,
To guide the future as He has the past;
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake,
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, the hour is hastening on,
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul, when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last. " (Hymns of Praise, 1977)


the song which continuously repeat in my mind lately... may it bring peace and comfort to you as well, amen. ^^

personality...?

On Friday morning, I have actually re-discovered something, something that people around me used to tells me, something that I actually agree but as time goes by, I forgot.

I internalize feelings and emotions a lot! Feelings and emotions that were not mine, some are not even close to me! Besides internalizing, I often magnify the feelings and emotions as well. When I was driving listening to the cd I just burnt, I started to realized that I am actually feeling songs, thinking and feeling as if I am in the singers' shoe and as if I am the one who is experiencing it. Cheerful ones, sad ones, playful ones, anyone~!

Guess this is what people called, empathy huh? Its pretty useful to have this just that, I have too much of it... Seriously, it's not something good to be boast, you know? Yea, my Myers-Briggs personality is INFP. F as in Feeler, but to this extent? It is really not that good...

Counseling, helping profession, with my current situation, I think my intention to help will eventually turned into the biggest disaster I can cause to another person!

*sigh*

Another tough part to be "modified"...

and this give me another ah-ha moment,

there are a lot of things I would really wanna improvise/change but most of them are my personality, part of myself...

If personality is define as a set of values/principle/characteristic of an individual which persistence over time, then it basically means what I wanna improve/change is almost impossible or even if it is possible, it is supremely difficult!!!

*slap forehead*

Is study psychology all good stuff? XD XD XD How I wish I were as ignorant as before~

creator and creation

The Creator is so wonderful, loving, holy, clean and just

but the creation is so unworthy, full with hatred, filthy, impure, not even worth looking at...

how... ironic...

paranoid

I am seriously still afraid of replying/responding to people...

After all these years, the fear still here... haih... can I even survive...?

melody

though I have no special talent towards music, melody, good, nice smooth melody will never fail to touched me and bring me to the fantasy it created

missed

i still missed you...

its been 5 years now...

the first feeling when we met...

the first time when we went out together...

the first time you called me a brother...

the first time you smiled at me...

the first time you teased me...

the first time you are angry at me...

the first time you said something which... hurts me...

the first time when you leave my life...

still... i missed you... sorry for the mistakes i've done 5 years back... i... missed u.... xinwei...

S.U.C.K

I gotta admit it...

my flash photography sucks
my low-light/indoor/concert photography sucks
my confidence level sucks
my boldness level sucks

I seriously care too much of what other think of me... =3=

stereotypes

又来了，胡思乱想了。。。 paranoid...

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Stereotypes

why? why some people's action and what they preach are always different??? why are some human are so, ironic?

Do not judge a book by it's cover;

something most of us agree of, but is it something most of us practice?

when you are the only minority in any group, the pressure on you will be strong, it's what you held on to, will determine whether you survive the pressure or not.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

i shall see what will i get tomorrow~

strength

strong; is not those who do not trust people
strong; is not those who face problem by themselves
strong; is not those who refuse to feel hurt when they are
strong; is not those who will not cry when they are sad
strong; is not those who are alone

strong; is those who accept help from people they trust
strong; is those who think of themselves as weak
strong; is those who face emotional hurt when they are needed to
strong; is those who cries when they are sad
strong; is those who accept that they are not perfect
strong; is those who accept reality and move on, bearing the hurt with them and not being destroy by it
strong; is not to be felt nor to be see
strong; is something deeper that only pure heart can see
strong; is to be united with the people around us

strong; is those who have courage to face any kind of situation and emotional feeling

my philosophy of STRENGTH

IRIS

I know I really should be reading my journals and writing my thesis draft which due on 6th Jan... But I am hooked up with IRIS!!!! XD

Been hearing it from people around me that it's a great drama and I've actually watched the trailer in Astro before but never thought it is THIS great weh!! XD XD XD

The storyline will make you want to continue watching to find out what happen next and hey, it's action movie to begin with, my cup of milk~~

Besides the fact that it has nice storyline, Tae Hee was the main actress!!! XD XD XD Gosh, by looking at her eyes and her smile, awwwww... Seriously!!! Don't really like part of her behavior/personality in the drama though, but still, Tae Hee aaaa~ <3 <3<3<3

Nice drama to be watched if you ever have this chance~ Wakakakaaka, sorta made my day!
=P

late new year post

a new year post...

Hmm...

Am I too old for this? XD Seriously, I do not really have new year mood to write any of these post and frankly, I do not really intend to write any. But, just now, when I read back what I have wrote last year, on the last day of 2008, it kind of sparkler my thought.

"which have too much ups and downs for me" (Gorgan, 2008)

TOO much ups and downs huh?? Guess Gorgan can't predict the future huh~ If 2008 ups and downs are too much, I wonder how did I manage 2009! XD XD XD

But Gorgan did predict something right,
"I can see that next year is a BIG BIG BIG challenge for me! " (Gorgan, 2008)
=P

I asked for maturity, growth, responsibilities, serving in children fellowship, changed, and frankly, I did achieve most of them, or should I say, I did improve on those items I mentioned earlier. All those challenged/downs which I faced seriously made me tougher and through them, I am who I am now...

Being forced to grow is no fun at all. Besides, I guess most of us hate it... The feeling of negativity. However, one thing I learn from the year 2009, only by experiencing it, we can get over it! Though it might seems like a SUN to you when you are facing it, eventually, if you are daring enough to face it with wisdom, courage, it will turn into a small light bulb. (lame metaphor huh~? XD)

This year, is the year of mistakes, if I were to name it. Why so...? There are a lot of mistakes I've done, be it small or big, light or serious, these mistakes changed who I really am, into someone better/worse(?). Thank God that I am no longer the Gorgan, who put blame into himself and bear the blame for months! After going through this year, I have seriously learn how to move on and perceive mistakes as a lesson, a guide to be followed in the days in the future. It's something to be proud of weehh~

Confidence is what really lacking in me now. I can see the pattern, the pattern of how I am being equip with "armor" to deal with the world in the future, first, I need all those defensive armor, then, guides, now, I need offensive weapon. Confidence.

Sorry.

To those whom I have hurt during 2009, I apologize sincerely. Please forgive me, who are careless, imperfect, clumsy, at times selfish, childish, at times short temper, and any other mistakes I have done upon you! Especially to those who are close to me, very close to me....

The closer you are to bombing area, the more hurt you will get, that is why, SORRY!!!

Thank you.

To those who have forgiven me, I thank you! Please allow me to grow and improvise myself! Thank you for loving me even though I am not complete.
Thank you for loving me even though I hurt you.

(Writing is addictive huh?? XD)

Guess this is it~~

So, happy new year everyone!!! Wishes everyone have a meaningful new year!!!


PS: My photography skill does improve as well within a year too!!! Something to be proud of~~~ *wink*

price

Guess this is the price which I have to pay~