People tend to make judgement, quick judgement base on their schema/biasness/prejudice on the situation and of other people. I would say this is what make us... human.
Can anyone really take away these element from ourselves? I doubt. If all these are these are inevitable, why am I trying so hard to get rid these things from me? Why can't I just join the flow and make my life easier?! I wonder...
All I want, is to make sure no one will get unfair treatment, judgement by me. Often, what I got is the opposite. I can totally understand how is it feels, to be judged without know the truth. Just because of the behavior, the words being used, doesn't mean that it reflect what we really feels and thinks inside.
Again, all these are really easier said than done and who can actually achieve this? Not me, not even close to achieving...
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Why do I afraid so much to hurt others. To an extent that I am conscious with my every behavior, words, sentences and thought. Though sometimes these are faster than my conscious can actually filter them, and then I feel super guilty after that, but WHY? Why my mind is structured so that it is this way? Why things in the past have to happen like what it did which shaped me who I am today?
The answer is very simple, this is life. This is life, seriously there is no answer to those answer. No matter how hard I rationalize all the why(s), I will still not be able to get the answer that satisfies my heart.
Am I attention seeking? Is it really that because I know how it is feel like and I do not wish others get it from me? Am I really that kind?
Can I start not to be so afraid of hurting people? How I wish I can...
Low self worth, low self esteem...
Someone told me this, that she/he do not hope to see me saying that I will change but years after years its the same old me. Now I am doubting, can I really change my self worth and esteem? I did try? I did pulled myself hard enough till the extent I had my emotional broke down?
Jas... how I wish that I could take about this with you... How I wish I could break the walls and let you in... but... are you willing to come in? and have a look at it? Am I worth it? I want to believe its a yes, but my negativity tells me the other way round... talks about depression/paranoia
Can it work...?
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1 comment:
you're always a worthwhile person, as a sister/close friend,to me. :)
how much? hmm...
i had never feel my time is being wasted whenever you have the need to share any thoughts or problems with me.
i would ask myself "why would someone so close to my heart build a wall to me", instead of "why this #($*&#)($*#&$ *beep* hole just won't change?!".
i may be harsh with my words at times, in hopes that those words would make people learn. it's also just another way of hiding a weaker side. ^^
i know i may had been offending you in many ways that i talk or act. yet, do bare in mind that i care about you a lot. that is something not to be doubted about. :)
talk to me already, babe!
*hugs*
Jas
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