Your Way I will follow

I will follow you, Lord.

Oh Lord, I have been struggling these few weeks, thinking and worrying about my future and not knowing where else to go after I have graduated. I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed. Seek, and seek, and seek; yet still, there isn't any job offering or job pathway that I could see in the near future. Maybe, just maybe your will is for me to go back to Malaysia. But I just do not want to go back yet without really achieving anything. I have yet to be a "real" counsellor in the field, I just do not want to go!

During this dark moment, Lord, your gentle whispering came into my attention… This song, this lyrics played in your temple when this unworthy self-centre man is busying planning and thinking about myself.

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you

All your ways are good
All your ways are sure
I will trust in you alone

Higher than my sight
High above my life
I will trust in you alone

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you

Who you love, I'll love
How you serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you

Light into the world
Light into my life
I will live for you alone

You're the one I seek
Knowing I will find
All I need in you alone
In you alone

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you

Who you love, I'll love
How you serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you

In you, there's life everlasting
In you, there's freedom for my soul
In you, there's joy, unending joy
And I will follow you

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you

Who you love, I'll love
How you serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you

Who you love, I'll love
How you serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you
I will follow you
I will follow you
Read more: Chris Tomlin - I Will Follow Lyrics | MetroLyrics

I still have no clue where I will be going and heading next year, but thank you God for comforting me and counsel me when I needed it the most. Let me be your faithful servant that glorify your name and none others. In Jesus name, amen.

Human, as it is

After, or rather throughout my developmental psychology class, I couldn't stop wondering, asking about questions which yields no answer. Allow me to do some explanation to what leads to me wondering and asking about some of these questions.

Today class was all about how critical and crucial is early childhood development is to human that every single event that happened, either good or bad will somehow shaped us - which some of us call personality. At this period, our emotional, psychological, physical, cognitive and behavioral development are depending on how we are being treated by our caregivers (parents). Some children were unfortunate to have parents who weren't aware of it, some parents were misinformed on how to 'perfectly' raise a child, some were just ignorant, but some were fortunate to have parents who knows what to do, when to give attention to the child and knows when is too much for the children. All these factors may influence how the particular child grows into (I am in no position of blaming parents, to be fair, they do not have the 'Bible'/guideline on how to raise a healthy child). The circle then goes on, in most cases, children will normally pickup values and belief system their parents have and apply these systems in life unless during the process of growing up, they learn a different value that could 1) change his systems all together or 2) add the value into the existing systems and improvise it. So basically what I want to convey is whoever you are today, is definitely a 'product' of learning and experiences you have from the past, good or bad. It jolly well applies to other human being which is not you too.

I, then tried to recall on all the observation I have done during all these years, how people around me treat others, how people around me comment on others and how people around me discriminated other, it gave an unpleasant experience/feeling. As a psychology student, and a human being, I totally understand where this Because-you-are-acting/behaving-in-a-way-I-approve/felt comfortable-I-like-hanging-out-with-you and when-you-are-making-me-uncomfortable/weird-I-dislike-you-and-might-trigger-me-to-bully-you-verbally-or-non-verbally reaction. What I do not understand, or rather having difficulty accepting is why judge or react or to someone whom you don't find comfortable in an aversive manner? Someone might looks/sounds stupid and dumb but that doesn't mean he is less human than us, the reason why they are so might because of the experiences he has when he is growing up, might also because when he's just few month old he wasn't really being taken care properly and might be all other sort of reason to his behavior now. Doesn't he at least deserve a chance to be talked to and treated before the judgement of you-are-so-dumb/awkward- that -you-don't-deserve-my-kindness? But what if he is an A**hole, does he even deserve respect? Well, yes, I would say, I mean not to the point that he could do whatever sh*t to you, but at least tell him that you do not like what he is doing to you/others and if he continues, then just leave the situation. We can be angry at him for being unreasonable, but that isn't a reason for us to treat him badly. I am confident that if we sincerely treat everyone nicely, others will notice.

Having said that, I am fully aware that all those being mentioned are me being too simplistic on the issue. Some people might really be beyond reasonable measure that it is impossible to work with or even smile at, but let us all try to hold the judgement card and not throwing it out too early, be nice to others sincerely. Have conflict, but not hatred war.

The 'Extremist"

I always have this feeling about people who are extremely confident in what they are doing, or what they can do and think very highly of themselves. To the extent that they really, honestly believe that they are above others. According to my observation around me, these people normally believe that whatever that does not goes by their logic or rationale, it will always be bad, weird, sucks and every negative word that could associate with it.

It is just how human are being wired I think. To a certain extend, I do believe what I am doing now is no difference than those whom I do not like. The thing is, I have never, or, maybe seldom is the safer word here, seldom hate nor condemn anyone to the core. I don't like the feeling and thought that I can only be in for or against situation. Most people will call me someone who do not have my own opinion or stand. What ever I might be called, I still believe that every person, every concept, every theory, every technology have it's own pros and cons and shouldn't be categorized as totally bad or good. Yes, I found that it's acceptable to like or dislike certain stuff, but not to the extreme that love something that as if it's perfect and the rest are lousy; or hate something to the extent that as if there were no good in it. Yes, this is what I often observed in my life, in social network, in social cycle. *shrugs* We are after all humans I guess, being bias and discriminative is just, normal. (The irony is, while most of us agree that it's not escapable, most of us still tries to fight against being bias and discriminative, wanting equal rights, do not want to be categorized but at the same time categorizing themselves as different from others).

Human, are full with controversy. Including myself.

A new start.

It is really been a very very veeery long time since I updated this blog. To refresh my memory, this blog initially was created so that I could keep my thought "saved" and also if appropriate, giving people some hints into myself, as a person.

It used to keep emotional thoughts, philosophical thoughts, educational thoughts and some rants that I wanted to share (like duh).  However, now that I am back again, I would like to make a new start. Just to update those who doesn't know, I am continue-ing my studies as a postgrad dip student in Psychology and not just that, I have 2 papers on Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) - which in my undergraduate year it's a field that I didn't wanted even step in because I initially thought it's plain boring and impractical! What does taking these ABA papers gonna do with my starting anew motive? Because of the contradictory thoughts and feeling I had when taking these papers together with Critical Qualitative Research - which put subjectivity as the core as oppose to ABA which supported being objectivity as core. Also, like what I mentioned, in psychology, I used to only believe that thoughts and as as feeling is important as it reflect and will to a certain extent influence of behavior. So how can we learn  a new behavior by merely applying classical conditioning or operant conditioning if we are reluctant to do so?

Interestingly, I see both side have their rationale and thought to myself, can someone really survive believing in both camp of thoughts? This is the reason why I started this again. To serve as a journal writing purposes to me. Hopefully at some point, this blog will turn from a personal reflection to a public professional reflection on psychology.

That's all for now, going to darling now! <3 p="">
Gorgan 

Birthdays

HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY! =P

Wow, it took me quite awhile to finally write something on  this blog again! I wonder anyone is still following this. Anyhoo, I've been great so far!

This will be another long post from me~ so, brace yourself, long post is coming! =P

Birthdays, I always thought that birthday is just another day and it is often over-rated with gifts and celebration, or the amount of wishes on FB. This birthday, however change my perspective on it. It was a simple birthday. So simple that I didn't celebrate with my usual gang or church member, no special lunch/dinner, no nothing! Having said that, it was the most meaningful birthday I had in my life so far.

So, it inspired me, helped me to think that, hey, maybe this is the real meaning of birthday; it is not about celebration, it is not a time to boast esteem looking the amount of gifts I received or wishes people send - it is about the people in my life. It is THESE people that make birthday a meaningful day.

Often, I took those in my life for granted. "Oh, they are in my life because they just did" "nah, it just a normal conversation" etc etc. I am sure most people do. Birthdays, and other days like Mother's day is actually a day that reminds us to be good and care for the people around us! While we are trying and struggling in our daily task, we often forgot to care for those around us and these "special" days are the perfect "alarm clock", a "reset button" for us to do so!

We have to care for those in our life! Not only on special day, in every day of our life!

I thank you, God, for helping me realizing this in my life! To actually know that there are people in my life that I can care and love, is actually a blessing. A blessed birthday indeed. The best gift I can get on my birthday/life is to see people smiling back at you. That, is precious.

I had a great day on Saturday. Step into preparation for my future, had a great time spent with the one who love me, someone with uncountable flaws. Great move. A great morning on Sunday. Smiles and people I spoke to! Ideas shared to a student of mine. Great dinner spent with family. Named being called and being inform that they are bless to have me.

These, my Lord, is your grace overflowed. What have I done to deserve all these, and I gave thank God, who bless me even when I am at my lowest and forgive me when I am still sinning. For the same reason, I will bring this blessing to people around me, that, it is more meaningful than taking gift.

Giving instead of taking, it might sounds stupid, but the outcome will be rewarding~ Despite the negative effect of it.

Have a good night rest and, a blessed life! =)

"It put a smile on my face, when you see people smiling to each others, sincerely"

messed up thoughts/ random

What build your confidence? Is it yourself, or are you depending on something that is external, which can be changed very easily and you have almost no control on it?

What made us so confident in ourselves that blind us of the goods of others?

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Knowing that it is us who screwed up, but unable to move on even we know we can definitely do better if we put effort is bad.

It takes thousand steps to actually "fly" but it only takes 1 step to fall to the deepest of the valley.

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The struggle with esteem is not a battle, its a war. That doesn't seems to end. At all.

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Incapable

Sudden feeling of incapable ....

Commitment

It's been awhile since my last time here blogging! Somehow, I kind of miss how I used to turn into thinking mode and blog out a very long post on some issues.

Oh well, here I am again after don't know how many years! =P

So, what about commitment that I want to talk about?

It's been a lot of ups and downs in the year of 2011; too much that it actually challenged some of my core belief on certain issues in my life. Honestly, if you think having 1 major changes in a year is hard to cope with, try having 2 major changes in a year at the same period of time! It literally will rock your boat of comfort!

But I thank God for making all these happen to me this year, it somehow bring me a step up the maturity stairs. So, commitments, what about it? Those who knows me will actually knows that I go to church and have commitment of a Sunday School teacher as well as a Christian. I believe I mentioned this sometime ago that Church, is my permanent job that is why my earning job can never be in the weekends as I need to go to church. This, for a longest time, I regard this as my commitment to the church, that whatever happen, unless life or death issue, I will never make decision to skip them.

However, things changed this year, I have 2 more commitment that somehow, affected my commitment in church.

During the struggle, I really wanted to let go of my church commitment as it requires a lot of it that at first when I say YES, I didn't expect the commitment to be so... heavy. But I came to realize, commitment is a decision to make, regardless of how you feel.

Commitment doesn't just stop at saying "yes, I want to commit", that is just the very beginning of your commitment to something. Commitment is something that you need to hold on too, even it means to sacrifice your time in other activities that you want or enjoy doing; commitment is when you do not feel like doing it, you make the decision to continue doing it no matter how you feel; This is because, you said YES, to commit in certain things.

In relationship or even family, commitment plays a very big roles in maintaining it. I mean romantic relationship here. You know, sometimes I cannot get why people can just simply say if in marriage and found out that they don't love each other any more, they can just divorce? Where is the commitment that both party agreed when they sign the marriage certificate, saying that they commit to each others?

I think commitment in family can really show it very well. That no matter you like it or not, you are stick to the family, you are committed to it. So it is your responsibility to have a "happy" family instead of constantly whining and ranting about it.

Commitment, means you will do, or I will do to safe the relationship, to hold on to it even if it is difficult. Of course.... If you have spouse that abuse you, get the heck out of it! But what I mean here is, if we committed to something, we shouldn't just follow what our feeling wants, because really, feelings can be misleading.

We do not commit by following feeling, but by conscious decision, and if feeling is gone, this conscious decision will lead us back, to find back the feeling that is gone. This, is what I call commitment.

Hence, what happen to my church commitment issue? I have decided to commit my time in preparing for children sunday school and my Sunday morning, with a balance with my other commitment in my life.

GOOD job

Good job gorgan! really good job for making yourself a failure! Making mistakes that you shouldn't make!

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friend

Jeeeez... why do you come back now...>< jeeeez... troublesome friend....

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