My Thought

Incapable

2011-12-22T19:32:00.000+08:00

Sudden feeling of incapable ....

Commitment

2011-12-10T18:16:00.003+08:00

It's been awhile since my last time here blogging! Somehow, I kind of miss how I used to turn into thinking mode and blog out a very long post on some issues.

Oh well, here I am again after don't know how many years! =P

So, what about commitment that I want to talk about?

It's been a lot of ups and downs in the year of 2011; too much that it actually challenged some of my core belief on certain issues in my life. Honestly, if you think having 1 major changes in a year is hard to cope with, try having 2 major changes in a year at the same period of time! It literally will rock your boat of comfort!

But I thank God for making all these happen to me this year, it somehow bring me a step up the maturity stairs. So, commitments, what about it? Those who knows me will actually knows that I go to church and have commitment of a Sunday School teacher as well as a Christian. I believe I mentioned this sometime ago that Church, is my permanent job that is why my earning job can never be in the weekends as I need to go to church. This, for a longest time, I regard this as my commitment to the church, that whatever happen, unless life or death issue, I will never make decision to skip them.

However, things changed this year, I have 2 more commitment that somehow, affected my commitment in church.

During the struggle, I really wanted to let go of my church commitment as it requires a lot of it that at first when I say YES, I didn't expect the commitment to be so... heavy. But I came to realize, commitment is a decision to make, regardless of how you feel.

Commitment doesn't just stop at saying "yes, I want to commit", that is just the very beginning of your commitment to something. Commitment is something that you need to hold on too, even it means to sacrifice your time in other activities that you want or enjoy doing; commitment is when you do not feel like doing it, you make the decision to continue doing it no matter how you feel; This is because, you said YES, to commit in certain things.

In relationship or even family, commitment plays a very big roles in maintaining it. I mean romantic relationship here. You know, sometimes I cannot get why people can just simply say if in marriage and found out that they don't love each other any more, they can just divorce? Where is the commitment that both party agreed when they sign the marriage certificate, saying that they commit to each others?

I think commitment in family can really show it very well. That no matter you like it or not, you are stick to the family, you are committed to it. So it is your responsibility to have a "happy" family instead of constantly whining and ranting about it.

Commitment, means you will do, or I will do to safe the relationship, to hold on to it even if it is difficult. Of course.... If you have spouse that abuse you, get the heck out of it! But what I mean here is, if we committed to something, we shouldn't just follow what our feeling wants, because really, feelings can be misleading.

We do not commit by following feeling, but by conscious decision, and if feeling is gone, this conscious decision will lead us back, to find back the feeling that is gone. This, is what I call commitment.

Hence, what happen to my church commitment issue? I have decided to commit my time in preparing for children sunday school and my Sunday morning, with a balance with my other commitment in my life.

GOOD job

2011-08-23T17:23:00.001+08:00

Good job gorgan! really good job for making yourself a failure! Making mistakes that you shouldn't make!

...

friend

2011-06-06T18:57:00.001+08:00

Jeeeez... why do you come back now...>< jeeeez... troublesome friend....

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Dino- homo sapiens

2011-06-04T13:26:00.002+08:00

Will this be a life long battle...?

I really wonder how some people can be so, confident. Don't they see that everyone have their no so strong part? Don't they ever consider that failing, although only 0.1% is still possible...?

I really wonder how some people can be so, unforgiving. They just complain about others without even thinking from their shoe. They can shout and scream at people/blame others without putting effort to want to understand other. As if everyone else can't make mistakes.

I really wonder how some people can be so, smart. It is as if other people choose to be stupid.

*sigh*

By posting this, it seems like I am no better than these some people I mentioned above...

human... you suppose to be intelligent creature, why are you so, terrible...? Dino-homo sapiens. *laugh*

2011-05-16T17:05:00.001+08:00

心理很不平衡。。。

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that's why

2011-05-16T16:50:00.001+08:00

It's because of your esteem is so tiny, everything you perceive became some weapons and all you want to do is to make sure it don't get any smaller or breaks into nothing...

By doing so it made more harm that you could ever imagine...

All the best being small ya~

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I need direction...

2011-05-11T17:13:00.001+08:00

Seriously, what should I do now? Another one is leaving so soon?! Geeez... now I'm not worrying bout the environment any more, its more like what will happen to me if I stay...=3=

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2011-05-07T23:20:00.001+08:00

理智上明白，但感觉不要明白。

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第一

2011-05-06T18:43:00.001+08:00

第一是可以被取代，但唯一是不能。你可是我的唯一。

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My dream

2011-05-03T20:04:00.001+08:00

I have a dream;

I want to be a full time christian;
I want to be a counselor;
I want to be a play therapist;
I want to be a facial expression/emotions researcher;
I want to open my dream pre-k/enrichment center;
I want to be a part time photographer.

Can all these be possible...?

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主你是我力量

2011-04-09T23:18:00.002+08:00

Was seriously almost break down just now during "Sunday" School serving at church just now due to extreme exhaustion from teaching children in where I am working. It is to the extent I want to shout and tell everyone in the church that I can't take it anymore and I just want to... cry.

That serious...

In serious consideration of whether I should continue my job or not.

During bathing just now, this song miraculously played in my mind... 主你是我力量, Lord, You are my strength! It seriously encouraged me a lot! Lord, it was You who guided me through today, it was You who leaded me today and it is You whom I wanted to serve for the rest of my life.

"我的诗歌我的拯救

你是我患难中随时的帮助

众山怎样围绕耶路撒冷

你必围绕我到永远

主你是我力量

主你是我高台

坚固磐石我信靠你

必不动摇

主你是我力量

主你是我高台

我的盼望只在乎你"

realized.

2011-02-15T13:44:00.001+08:00

I've just realized and accept that, I'm a working adult now...

But, I still don't think I'm matured enough and have what it takes to take on the challeges from the working world...

Guide me oh lord...

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2011-02-02T00:46:00.001+08:00

weak.

commitment

2011-01-18T01:39:00.001+08:00

There is so much more to learn, to unlearn and to learn...

I chose it, and will stay committed to my decision!

End and start

2010-12-17T00:18:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow will be the end of something, and something new will start too. Things will going to. Change and let's hold on tight when the roller coaster starts moving!

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Death

2010-12-16T22:30:00.001+08:00

Just attended one of my church member's wake service today and it really reminded me a lot of stuff.

Perhaps she passed away in such an early age but really, even though I'm not very close to her, I could really sees that she live her life and without regret. I was told her that she will be the one in church that I will want to know more about and wanted to get close with her. However, just now when I'm looking at her photo, there are regrets... Regrets that caused by the very enemy I've been struggling, courage. I guess one thing that she reminds me in her life is that she has the courage to do what she wants and live her life with courage!

The only thing I could do for her is to be a good teacher, headmaster of my Sunday school. The one that she left, the one that she lead for years before I join. With the grace of lord, He'll lead me.

Grace, rest in peace. I'll definitely see you again, till then, I'll remember you. May the grace of our lord be the counselor of people around you.

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Attempt

2010-12-09T14:37:00.001+08:00

Good attempt boon han~ continue struggling and I'm sure one day you'll be successful~!

Usshaa! Prepare for next attempt!

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children's learning

2010-12-08T12:38:00.001+08:00

"Children need to learn that they cannot run away from the responsibility of seeing things through, that commitment to a relationship means staying and working things out." Garry Landreth

I believe this is something adults, or rather, I need to learn as well. Too many times I've run away from the situation and not making things work out due to the stress and pressure, the belief that I couldn't do it.

It's time to learn!

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man

2010-12-04T19:10:00.001+08:00

I'm still long to go to be a man, so much to learn and so much to be taken away to become one.

But there is something I know, and something I have faith that one day, I'll have what a 'man' should have, courage! Just wait and see... Gorgan, you wait... I'll show you boon han! By my action

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fail...

2010-11-29T16:43:00.001+08:00

Hey, look... The reason why you are feeling like this is because you don't have the courage to even try to defend what YOU want! You just back off into your safe zone just like that! Not getting what you want? All thanks to your stupidity! Grats ya! Even if taking action and not getting what you want, that's ok because at least you bother to even try! But did you? Hell no! Darn it!

And who give you the skill to analyse what people really mean just by WORDS? Seriously, why don't you use your 'confidence' at some where where it is really useful!? Fail la you, FAIL!

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Mine

2010-11-25T19:35:00.002+08:00

If it's mine, then I want it to be only mine! I might have high tolerance for any other thing, but when it comes to what I perceive is mine, you don't want to mess with it! Don't like anyone touching my stuff without my consent!!!

dissonance

2010-11-18T17:54:00.001+08:00

Cognitive dissonance oh cognitive dissonance~

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A job well done!

2010-11-14T21:42:00.001+08:00

Good job Gorgan! You have really done it again!! *thumbs up*

=3=

喜欢

2010-11-05T22:21:00.002+08:00

“我就不知道为什么，看你笑，看你哭，就这样看着也很开心。答应我一件事，在我面前你想怎么样就怎么样，你的情绪，你的感情，毫不掩钸~”

coffee prince

decision

2010-10-29T09:02:00.001+08:00

Suddenly have this thought when I was in toilet. A lot of time we always worry about what we do will bring harm to others, garry landerth quote came to me "what really important is not what wrong decision you made, but its what you do after you made that decision"

its indeed an inspiring moment in toilet XD That is why let's not worry too much when making decision, always learn by these decision, whether good or bad, because we are human being, we learn till death...

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Lord

2010-10-23T00:04:00.002+08:00

Oh Lord, your mercy and grace is always so great.

Lord, I understand that Your way is always higher than ours, Your will is always greater than us, for those which we could not understand why it happens, Lord, we know we did what we could and You are the ultimate being, so Lord, even though we don't understand what happen behind every situation, guide us and show it to us, in Your time.

Lord, comfort and guide them in Your Presence. Lord, You is my(our) shepherd, I shall not want (...) even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me (...). (Psalm 23)

Amen.

I hope

2010-10-12T19:49:00.002+08:00

I hope I have more courage

I hope that this barrier isn't there

I hope I'll able to reach out

I hope my inner voice reached out and vice versa

Nonetheless, I will and am enjoying myself, with no regrets.

Nonetheless, I believe my hope will turn to reality

All start from little steps I take, from time to time.

Just for you, Darling

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I really love play therapy!! XD can I request for adult play therapy instead of counseling??? I'm not good at verbalizing myself~ Pwease~~~ =P

Oh..

2010-10-11T00:27:00.000+08:00

"Oh mother, I love you" Dibs

Its "aaaawwww" when I read this~ Ohh Dibs~~~ ^^

Play

2010-10-09T14:46:00.001+08:00

"ultraman is coming!!"

I wanted to have my own play time, I wanted to have my own play room! I wanted to have someone like the therapist who try to understand and doesn't make any judgement while I'm being myself.

Play session really is a place and time that I think even adult needs.. at least I know I would want to have once a week opportunity to have a play session. Play session to adult, to me works similarly to children. At least to me, its a safe environment to be freely who we want to me, how we want to be, express what we really feel, and most importantly, it stays in the room... A place for us to direct our inner energy out and recharge, rebuild ourselves before going out and face the world.

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爱情

2010-09-28T18:06:00.001+08:00

爱，是一个很奇怪和厉害的东西。它可以让我们很幸福，让我们克服问题，但是如果我们不好好珍惜它，它可以让我们受伤。。。未来如果我有了它，我会进我的全力好好珍惜那段感情，不轻易的放弃。

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Future

2010-09-21T14:14:00.001+08:00

The future, as a psychology student I have learn that if we are unsure of the future, we will be afraid of it, creating worries, and anxious feeling in us. This is of course human's nature.

I, too will be worry and anxious on what will happen in the future, creating a lot of possible outcome of a certain decision I made so that I cab expect the worst, also the best. however, over the years I have learn that future is not something we can control, yes we can plan, but life isn't something we can have full control, especially the future. I will do my best in what I can do at the moment, leaving the future to God to do all the other worries on whether it will be successful or not. Why waste so much time on something you can't even control and making ourselves anxious and not able to do anything else? No, I do still worry at times, but I am able to reduce the worry so that I can put my 100% effort in what I can do now~

This is my philosophy~ I guess what important is what I can do now. whether it is successful or not, God knows~ of course, we need to have balance in everything XD

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blinded

2010-09-15T17:31:00.001+08:00

Blinded by low self esteem, lack of confidence is as scary as blinded by destructive emotion like sadness and anger... And it takes a lot of effort to break through these.

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clear

2010-09-08T22:07:00.001+08:00

After a few time being asked what would I want to do after I graduate, I finally have a very clear path!

My first interest is to do more research in emotion and facial expression of human being. well, yea, mainly thanks to lie to me, it got me doing more reading regarding this field and its what I really interested since year one.

Secondly, being able to do counseling, this is one of the main reason I chose psychology in the first place after all... the interest is still there!

Lastly, getting into child related field! might even continue introducing play therapy in Malaysia~

Now that all is clear, its time to make serious consideration!

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jealous?

2010-08-30T20:27:00.001+08:00

He seriously dislike me and favor my other siblings, what a good parent he is.

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stay away

2010-08-29T12:12:00.001+08:00

Look dude, I know I still talk, listen and smile at you but that doesn't mean that I like you, so please don't do anything to make me dislike you more... I am genuinely wanted to treat you nicely so don't ruin it... seriously... If its not because of her, I don't think I need to even talk to you. so, stay far away from me! we are not even close!

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hu?

2010-08-24T00:07:00.001+08:00

So much for liking to be alone huh~

i seriously starting to really hate myself...

...

Oh well...

lonely

2010-08-23T15:11:00.001+08:00

hmmm... The sudden feel of loneliness... So contradicting, lol... seriously, I wonder the whole gmu is coming back or what, =3=

I'm kinda getting more and more active in Facebook and some part if me asked me to actually stop as I might really accidentally post some personal on my wall, which is not something I am comfortable with but at the same time someone can actually know about it. weird huh? and pathetic...

oh well, another post that will make the future me laugh~ lol

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what..?!?!

2010-08-18T23:31:00.001+08:00

Gorgan! What exactly was that???

Gorgan: "Urg... I dunno... "

*lets just let my defense mechanism do what it need to do for once ba...*

"its a happy day"

2010-08-12T09:29:00.003+08:00

Waking up early in the morning, enjoy the weather, had a cup of coffee is refreshing for my soul which been very busy, tired and dried due to the busy-ness of life~

Singing song praises God definitely refreshed my spirit~ Never thought I am able to play guitar and sung song~ Thank you Lord~

Who says church songs are too old to "feel" His presence? It just the matter of what heart we use to worship Him~ Amen? Amen for me~

Have a happy day, my loves~ and friends~ xD

"Its a happy day~~"

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i bet its all the effect of caffeine! but i only drank one cup... =3=

Ah ha~

2010-08-11T23:33:00.001+08:00

Finally realized something I have been asking myself for a long time: Why I can't always seems to say the right words while trying to comfort others.

Reason, because I don't need words from others as well, what I want is just a hug, a nod, or even silence, as long as I know you are listening...

attachment

2010-08-11T22:06:00.001+08:00

"i don't like you anymore..."

it hurts more than I expected... sigh.... attachment....

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experience, maturity, work

2010-08-09T00:08:00.002+08:00

Growing up... I always thought and feel that I should treat everyone as if they are more important than me, well, it is not always wrong la, but it kinda made me even more lacking of confidence, esteem and self worth, which feel sucks...

This few months experience, especially today made me realised that, hey, it is not always that case, yes, they might be important but doesn't mean you ain't human and you don't deserve to be respected as well! In fact, I have my right to be respected too! I can always demand for things that I need!

hmmm.... Today is an eye opener day.

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Actually, its not that I don't want work, its that I am afraid to face the stress working gives me. photography is my passion, I love to be photographer, but event photographer gave a lot of stress! especially you know you are given expectation to be met! don't get me wrong, its not that I regret and don't enjoy it, just that it reminded me that I really hate stress and I am lazy! XD it also reminded me that, hey gorgan, it is time to be mature, no more being childish... its time to grow up dude... like now...

good experience and reminder for me~ thank Lord

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superego and ego~

2010-08-06T16:45:00.002+08:00

Hey gorgan! Here is the deal, if you could start discussion by weekends, then you are allow to go Syiok and finish the rest of it there~ ok?

Gorgan: hmm.... sounds great to me~ xD

Help

2010-08-05T01:13:00.002+08:00

I want to help

I really want to help

I really wish that I could help

I...

How can I help when it isn't my problem to begin with....

*Sigh*

precious and valuable

2010-08-01T01:06:00.005+08:00

"Precious and valuable, always there for me... But of course, that can't go on forever." Yui (K-On season 2)

I always know, those who are precious and valuable to me right now, will eventually leave me someday in the future. However, I knew, I understand that, and it doesn't stop me to love you guys even more as, you are the few I chose to let you in into my personal space, to the most vulnerable space in my heart.

I love you!

testing

2010-07-31T22:04:00.001+08:00

hmm.. just came back from church and wanna try out this new apps for Blogger, dunno is it usable or not... well, I promise will upload something on my photo blog later after I bath~ hehe

until then, see you!

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2010-07-28T22:45:00.002+08:00

Shots...

Now I missed how I really only listen and give no comment...

=3=

feeling

2010-07-27T17:46:00.003+08:00

Sigh, I wonder what is going on... Feeling, unconscious, subconscious, what are you doing in me, you are destroying my conscious... C'mon!

Take control la... =3=

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I'm taking drum lesson for real now~

smile

2010-07-14T21:15:00.002+08:00

I got jealous and things I am afraid that will happen is already happening... Guess you won't be seeing this blog huh... *smile* oh well...

Fear

2010-07-13T16:32:00.001+08:00

The fear of bonding with others... eh?

I have it too...

skin-shippo~

2010-07-08T22:50:00.002+08:00

This might sounds very very VERY weird but... I wanna get skinshippo~~~~ =P *blush* how I wish I am a girl... Sounds more appropriate among girls... Wonder if I ever get a really close guy friend... Ylong! xD XD Faster come back la weeeh~

(Okay, crazy post!!! xD and no! imma not hentaaai desuu~~)

Last

2010-07-03T17:47:00.001+08:00

Somehow, when I look around, I have this feeling as if it is the last time I am actually able to look at this place...

No good...

You'll never understand

2010-07-01T16:40:00.003+08:00

Yes, you will never understand what and why I chose to live my life now. Look, life is much more than just living, just surviving.

You might be right, I do not need these to survive, but I need this to live my life to the best as I could. You have your way of life and of course, I have mine too. I appreciate your comment about my life and I've really taken into account what you commented, however, I do not think it is applicable in my life, thank you! ^^

If you just want to survive, I want to live a life where I can really enjoy and at the same time survive~ Difficult, but not impossible~~

Just some random post, =P Gosh, I really wish I have the time to start drawing comic again~~ Miss that... really...

Grow up

2010-06-26T21:48:00.003+08:00

If I were to rate which movie with series (Harry Potter 1, Harry Potter 2, HP 3...) are well related, I will vote for Toy Story!

Why?? I think it's a great "series" movie is that it literally grew up with me! The first Toy Story movie was made in 1995, and I was in standard 1 if I am not mistaken. First impression, I love Toy Story because I love it! xD typical children mindset that time. The values, friends etc etc. Then comes Toy Story 2! Which came out when I was in secondary school coincidentally Andy was in his high school years as well~ Then, this year, Toy Story 3! When Andy has kinda grown up and move on to college! The whole concept of "I have grown up and it is time for me to move on but you've got a friend in me" has touched me deeply~

In a way, they are all related, to me~ Not the storyline, but to related to their audience, it is as if Disney/Pixar and producing Toy Story for people within 18-25 age range~ XD *perasan-ing*

I personally think that Toy Story 3 will make a great impact to those who watched all the three movies and somehow somewhere within my age range.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It also reminds me that, hey Boon Han, look, you are almost finishing your degree, it is really time to move on and go into a complete independent world out there, maybe if lucky, you will still be close with your friends right now, but most probably you won't... you know... but, *plays 'You've got a friend in me' in the background* life moves on~ ^^

And! Disney/Pixar, you have successfully put a fullstop in my heart, so, please DON'T make Toy Story 4!!! =3=

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I sounds like a crazy fan boy~ XD anyway, all of us needs to move on in our life no matter what, so, Boon Han, move on... ^^ *white lights shining~~* ooh! I see the light! *walks towards the light* (Ghost Whisperer, nd)

emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo

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You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you're miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
Just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got troubles, well I've got 'em too
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you
We stick together and we see it through
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me

Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them will ever love you the way I do
It's me and you
And as the years go by
Boys, our friendship will never die
You're gonna see
It's our destiny
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me lyrics~ xD

die...

2010-06-20T00:00:00.002+08:00

after 4 years of driving.... i've finally knocked into a 4 wheel drive n caused my honda's metal below the backlight kemek!!! die... waited for sometime for the owner to appear but he/she didn't show up.... T_T i'm still scared...... itz not very serious but its noticable! T_T why ppl buy a black car n illegal parking at night la!!! i know itz my fault.... let me switch to external locus of control awhile plz......... >< guity.....

Ouran Host Club

2010-06-18T22:28:00.002+08:00

Ouran Host Club anime is heart warming~~~ daisuki~~

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Urg... crap... can't balance back the feeling... =3=

Vacation

2010-06-16T23:42:00.001+08:00

Psycho Squad gang!

I wanna go to a vacation with you guys and really have fun!

T_T

jealousy...

2010-06-13T22:42:00.003+08:00

Even friend can get jealous when another friend get too close towards others, its perfectly normal, just do not let it control you.

But...

Aint this only happen among girls? Okay, I am stereotyping but, any guys out there get jealous? Not about girlfriend, but your friend...

Hmm....

children camp

2010-06-12T22:05:00.002+08:00

Being a teacher in full day camp is definitely tiring!!! But, it felt good and satisfied with it! ^^ Happy~~

Hope they did learn something today other than laughing at my jokes and action and... "Do what you want coz a pirate is free, YOU ARE A PIRATE!" XD XD XD XD

Night!

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My dad and bro are shouting GOAL!! =3= guess I am the only male who find football a boring sports... ==""

Dudes!

2010-06-07T20:02:00.003+08:00

To, all my friends whom I played RO with in form 3,

Hey dudes! How are you guys doing lately??? It been like 5 years since our graduation and we didn't really keep in touch after that. Kinda sad you know? Well, I would say I missed you guys and the time we had~ Sounds gay you might say, but hack~ Accept it! XD

Vandam: Dude!! where are you la! seldom see you online ler~ Gosh, you was a great friend back then, very protective indeed~ Wonder are you the same or you leveled up! =P Stay healthy yea~

Ylong: duuuude~ how's USA? aiya, we got keep in touch, nvm la~ bai! XD XD XD

Darren: ooi~! how's stress lately? XD Wonder how are you doing there, we stay so near but I don't think we ever make a time out to yam cha~ =P

LTai: hey... I wonder what really happen back then, that you suddenly "leave" us... Well, hope you are doing fine there...

Anyhow, doubted you guys will read this, except you la ylong... So, until we meet again, stay healthy~ =P

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Xiao d la me~ XD XD XD

screw!!!

2010-06-06T22:52:00.002+08:00

Screw you gorgan! Screw you BH!! stand up already... Harlooo! those are memories! Meeemooooriiieeeessss!!!! It doesn't exist anymore!!! i want a hug... T_T

portrait workshop

2010-06-05T22:41:00.002+08:00

I would say its an great portrait workshop experience! The only regret I has is that I wasn't really "connected" to the whole thing~ Hopefully the next workshop will be a break through! Thanks aaron and lyn the model and others who put effort in making this successful~ ^^ wakakakak~

Pseudo- autism

2010-06-02T18:00:00.000+08:00

It's time to get interested of the world outside your world dude! C'mon! FOCUS!

2010-06-01T21:36:00.002+08:00

*stare at TV*

Ohh... so this is how it should be... Just take action if we think our action is right and not violating other's personal space...

*write notes write notes*

Assertiveness

2010-05-31T22:46:00.004+08:00

"So, Gorgan, tell me everything about assertiveness, how it is different from acting aggressively?"

Ask me the question above and I can really give you an accurate right answer about what being assertive is.

Ask me to practice assertive behavior? *sigh* no luck. It is not that I do not know what goods can it bring, just that I am too focus on what bads can bring! I've really seen enough, losing 1 or 2 of people who are very close to me is enough for me to generalized all "assertive" behavior are to be avoided at all cost...

I jolly well know that its more than that. I understand what is wrong behind these thinking. I.. am just afraid...

What can I do...? Nothing...? Learn helplessness...? Perhaps... Walk away...? I'll try... Well, yea, unless I am ready to move out of my comfort zone, my safe zone, I will keep on complain and rant about these issues... So, when am I ready? God knows...

excuse

2010-05-31T15:20:00.001+08:00

The reason why I can't buy a new phone right now: I do not appreciate what I have... Until I started to appreciate, I cannot buy a new phone! Unless I want a Nokia 3100 la~ XD

cross!

2010-05-29T22:55:00.002+08:00

Guess who's this cute little girl?? Might be red riding hood~ Who knows~ =P

I guess it isn't a disaster that I think it is~ It actually turned out pretty good and I did enjoy myself there!

Thanks to Joreen and the other peeps who put all their effort in organizing this crazy, wacky and "fun" party for both May and I~ I bet this will be one of the last thing that I will forget easily in my life.

Had a great time after the whole party too~

Fun aside, I think I've really came to my limit, I seriously need social retreat! Been on "high mode" since last night till evening today. I actually having quite a mixed feeling, relief that I finally have time being alone, and at the same time, I missed all those peeps who make a very big changes in my life!

Anyhoo, thanks everyone, thanks those closer ones and *HUGS* I love you! *wink* (try and imagine the last night me doing these~~ *wink wink*) XD XD XD

Good night!

ID

2010-05-25T20:23:00.002+08:00

HOI ID! go back into your room!!! You are messing with Ego for quite sometime already, now that is enough! Go back in!!! No more!! Not until you are capable of putting food on the table by yourself!!!

5 years ago

2010-05-25T17:15:00.002+08:00

Every time when I am looking at your photos, I always wonder, what happen if that incident 5 years ago didn't happen...

What if we are still as close as 5 years ago?

What if we are still sharing stories on our lives like 5 years ago?

I missed talking to you... XWei..

Oh well... such as life...

re-consider

2010-05-24T18:56:00.000+08:00

After reading threads in lowyat forum, I am re-considering my urge to buy an iphone!!

Yay to my wallet~~ XD

money

2010-05-21T00:28:00.001+08:00

Oh dear...

This was the first time in my life, wishing so hard that I have extra money to spend on things I want and unnecessary items....

Boon Han... learn to be satisfied!!

loooong way

2010-05-19T16:36:00.000+08:00

BH: hey, gorgan! look at me! LOOK!

Gorgan: What...?!?

BH: loooooooooooong waaaaaaaaaaay~~~

Gorgan: =__="" oh shut up!!

Long way

2010-05-18T00:40:00.001+08:00

Its a looong way to go Gorgan, long waay~

Birthday - food

2010-05-15T00:51:00.001+08:00

A couple of ex-foundation classmate friends came over and sorta celebrated my birthday~

Been eating since morning till night! Beat that! hahaha!

Anyway, it is good to chat and laugh with you guys again~ *hugs* thanks!

with love.

Birthday - kimchiHaru

2010-05-13T15:45:00.002+08:00

A chit chatting moment with 2 ex-schoolmates are rather wonderful~

Sharing life story, sharing rant, its great!

Too bad I need to be more open in chatting like these~ I love it, but I have problem opening up.

Thanks for this wonderful moment in my life, should do it more often!

Birthday - car

2010-05-12T19:17:00.002+08:00

The most dunno-what-to-responds-birthday-ever moment!!!

LMAO!

Many thanks for this moment in my life~ XD Love it~ though my brain was seriously blank that moment~~ =P

work

2010-05-07T19:08:00.000+08:00

I need to work! It isn't a want anymore, it became a need!

human

2010-05-07T00:26:00.002+08:00

As much as I love human, I am afraid of "us"...

How sad it is...

feelings/impluses

2010-05-06T12:35:00.003+08:00

Weeks ago, someone told me that I often reacted, responded and made decisions mainly based on my feelings and also my impulses.

I do agree on that statement, but I didn't know it could be this harmful. I've made a seriously harmful decision without using my brain, which its main function is to make rational decision (guess my frontal cortex still haven't fully developed huh~) !

I've created harm, I'm sorry, nothing I do can erase that hurt away just prays that time will heal it, somehow, and I am fully responsible for it... It is a consequences I will have to face anyway. My bad...
Sry... I really know it's hurtful, I really do...
But I promise, from this mistakes, I will have better control over my feelings and impulses!

blocked

2010-05-05T17:28:00.002+08:00

You block my way? Closed my door?

Fine...

I'll find another one~ no harm~ no sweat~ There will not be one only way to my destination anyway~ (religion aside~)

misunderstanding

2010-04-30T00:14:00.004+08:00

It is interesting to see how two close friends, are having not so good feeling towards each others just because of clashing of belief and personality~

We place "who is at fault" judgment too quickly and too easily without the effort of thinking on the other side of the shoe, while at the same time we ask people to think of ours. Even when we try to look from the other side of the shoe, we tend to look from our perspective! Guess, this is human after all, this is the limit we could reach.

There will never be the "fault" side when it comes to argument that involve two different personalities, view of the worlds, and beliefs because it is always right for both parties, or more than two if involve more than two (duh)~ Mainly because there are nothing to argue about! Unless we want to consciously persuade others that our idea/belief/personality is better, then by all means, go ahead and create a world war 3~

Leave the other human alone if you do not like his/her style/belief/personality

or

Accept who he/she really is, and live with it~

or

Tell he/she about what different between our style/belief/personality and respect each others difference and live with it~

or

Go and change that poor human and shape it into you! (bwahahaha)

or

Others ____

XD Human Human Human~ what interesting being we are~ (that's why I love psychology~ *wink*)

ps: to you-know-who, I do understand your point of view on that matter~ no worries, it just contradicted with my belief, that's all~ ^^

harlo....?

2010-04-24T22:38:00.001+08:00

Is my voice really REALLY that soft...?

When I speak and no people reply is it really REALLY because I can't be heard??

Really...?

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Guessed so....

(I thought I am pretty loud d... *sigh*)

a note to BH

2010-04-22T11:45:00.003+08:00

Dearest BH,

hey, it's time to move on, okay? U've been holding to the past for waaaay too long, it is time for you to put it down and move forward from your safety net. *pat* At least you have me accompanying you if you fail again, ^^ stay strong for you still have me.

Gorgan

friends

2010-04-21T22:02:00.001+08:00

someone asked me this question:

"why didn't you introduce your other friends to us geh?"

Hmm... yeahor... why...?

language

2010-04-19T22:56:00.000+08:00

Another sad discovery...

I am super bad at language, words, grammar, expressing my thought and feeling!

WOOT

Relate

2010-04-19T17:53:00.003+08:00

I've noticed something today while studying...

I've never really relate myself to anyone.

I enjoy the accompaniment of others, I enjoy accompanying others, I care for them and stuff, but I never really open myself to them...

Mainly because I did it to myself too...

What a sad discovery I've made today! woot

The Blaming game

2010-04-18T00:41:00.003+08:00

Blame, by itself is already something that will cause a bad ending to anyone. When someone blame another, it often include element of judging the person and often, it only make things worse. I experienced first hand, how the power of blaming can destroy someone's life, hmm, maybe not that serious, but how it can really affect the effectiveness of someone and how it battered others esteem.

I guess people are more likely to blame, instead of helping the situation. I guess it is easier for us to unleash out all our judgmental side and start the blaming game because it is somehow, fun when doing so. It definitely require a lot lesser effort compare to trying to empathize another and trying the best to fix the situation.

However, self-blame is as terrible as blaming as well, in fact, to a certain extent, it is more destructive compare to blaming others. When we know what we did are wrong, or should I say, when we perceived that what we did are wrong, most of us tend to blame ourselves, well, at the very least, I know I do; and when we blame ourselves, it often let the self-defeating thoughts get the best of us. We start to focus on the emotions which the blaming bring us and stop taking responsibility on what we do. Thus, whatever action we did after that will often be craps, worsen the situation and of course, our self esteem will definitely dropped to the lowest and there will be a high probability that we will drag people around us down with us. And we start blaming ourselves again! Tadaa~ the cycle goes on without stopping~

*sigh*

Of course, all these are easier said than done, especially asking people not to blame. Even people who claim that they dun blame, occasionally they do, without knowing it. Of course, at least I know I did it~ Lets take responsibility and not blame, whoever, including ourselves regardless of how difficult it is to do so! At least we try not to~ =P

Of course, for those who thinks it is perfectly okay to blame, go and ahead and blame, its always our freedom to choose what we want to believe and do, because with that kinda freedom, we are always in the position to accept all the consequences of our action, be it good or bad~

Interesting

2010-04-17T23:58:00.002+08:00

Its always been fun to watch how people respond and what they do when they are chatting, it is more fun and interesting now ever since I have a new hobby~ XD

Maybe this will be my "minor" field of the career I will be taking in the future besides counseling! Muahahhaa~

Life is getting interesting, the bad and the good way~ *wink*

worth

2010-04-10T22:18:00.003+08:00

Gorgan: No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person No matter what you say/do to me, think/feel about me, I am still a worthwhile person

Boon Han: Yea right... admit it, you are still a baby who needs approval from others...

Gorgan: =3=

Boon Han: See... proven!

Confidence

2010-04-10T22:14:00.002+08:00

I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I want to be more confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident I am confident...

Its not working... LOL

white side

2010-04-08T22:53:00.000+08:00

Oh no... my mind is asking me to change side...

From dark side to the white side!!!!

T_T darn!

walls

2010-04-07T00:43:00.002+08:00

Am i having another puberty? XD seriously?!

I used to put walls around me, emotionally, and mentally, it went, quite well, maybe I got emo and did affect people around me, but never intentionally hurt them.

Lately, I could see that those walls around my emotion realm is not as strong, and the confidence is finally something I can relate with, but, there are side effects. More and more feelings are coming out, including anger. Getting more and more impatient with things happening around me. Seriously, I really hate myself doing this.

Then stop doing what I am doing! Yea right... well, needs better anger and other emotion management, and seriously I gotta do something about my sense of remorse! XD

Weee~ another laladididudu post~ XD

shout

2010-04-05T15:12:00.001+08:00

You shouted at me...

I hate ppl who shout at me...

Especially shouting over matters which I dun intentionally do it, or something I can't even control...

^^

family

2010-04-02T19:17:00.005+08:00

Family... The idea of family is interesting.

You hate and love them at the same time.

You want to let them know and plan to hide everything bout you from them at the same time

You want to be in and want to be out of the family at the same time

You enjoy and not enjoy the time you spend with them at the same time

You know and not know them at the same time

Family...

A human group dynamic that have 2 ends, where both positive and negative exist!

recovering

2010-03-16T22:19:00.001+08:00

Recovering... I guess. ^^

Expressiveness

2010-03-08T21:47:00.001+08:00

I realized something,

To those who are not able to listen nor talk, they are very expressive!

Contradiction

2010-03-08T16:40:00.001+08:00

I wanted to be a person who speaks a lot and a friend who aren't boring
--------------------------------------------------------
I wanted to be a quiet person, and only communicating within myself

-------------------------------------------------------

What do I want...?

Realization

2010-03-07T18:31:00.002+08:00

I've been neglecting some people in my life lately and it is time, again to amend some relationship with some other friends of mine.

"Everyone deserve to be heard"

drained

2010-03-07T17:45:00.000+08:00

I am...

Drained again...